Got inspired to write a one-off monologue of one of the characters in the novel I’m writing. Not sure why, but I just got an idea and sat down and two hours later finished. I might make a couple of these for the supporting cast, short stories of before they met The Lady General’s protagonist and include it at the end. Just fun to work with. This is written from the perspective of one of the novels two villains, and a character who I’m planning to have a place throughout the trilogy. Enjoy!

The PDF version is Here

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“”My Gift to You”
By: Jade Dawn Castillo (c)2010

January 9^th, 1863

She’s young, beautiful, with a smile that lights up the dingy room she slaves in. Carrying pints for unappreciative men and having the strength to ignore their gaze. I like her, and I hate that I do so. Someone please knock her to the ground, ravage her, destroy that innocence in her eyes because if you don’t, I will. I’ll snap her in two and watch the life drain from those eyes, while she continues to breathe. So much like all the others, so much like me. I was the first but would not be the last, not by design but by the need which I cannot silence.

She comes to me, passes me my drink. Wonders what a woman such as I is doing in a den of men. I smile, show her my pearly teeth and open my eyes to look into hers. I am barely aware of the drink, only her, only the life in those eyes. And while I reply with a simple “Thank you.”, the need within me swells and begs. Her eyes linger on mine and for a moment all I want to do is shout at her to run, to get away from me and not give in to my intensity. It is barely the beginning of our evening together and already she is so far gone.

One second, two, three… Five seconds before she breaks contact. My smile has turned to a grin and I lean over my glass, stroking it as if my fingers were running along her neck. She’s lingering too long. Run, please! The world has not seen what I am, she has no warning and no idea. Why didn’t I run out that door? Why did I let them take me?! Then maybe the life in those eyes would have seen tomorrow.

She’s nervous, flustered and without an idea as to why. I pay generously for my glass, she looks me in the eyes while she thanks me. I hush the voices inside and speak so softly, lovingly. “Go back to work, we will talk later when you bring me another pint.” It works, I only barely know why. She gives a nervous nod and heads back to the pack. I sit, watching her leave before she is lost. For now I hold the pint to my lips, wanting to take a sip. They say it dulls the mind, but it does not stand a chance against me. I have drank myself near death and it never has done a thing for me. I drink slowly, the night is so young and I want to enjoy the sight of her for just a couple more hours.

The men stay long, that makes me angry. Everything has of late, it is why I am here. I hate them, I hate the taste of beer and I truly hate the walls which enclose me. An animal in its pen, not this bar but this city. This continent. World. I may leave here anytime I wish, but it never leaves me.

She is angry too, loosing her composure when one of them grabs her. Please, knock her to the ground, cause her to bleed and destroy that look in her eyes. He doesn’t, and it only becomes worse. I whisper lovingly to her from the other side of the bar, “Do not worry, everything will be better soon.” And I believe it, I believe it every time. I believed them when they told me. When they took me. Run, please run from this place. You won’t, you’ll believe everything they say and soon you’ll believe everything. At least I won’t be alone anymore, and I believe myself when I whisper it.

Later still and she still works, still slaves away. She needs to, but I wish she didn’t. I wish she didn’t tell me anything about her. I don’t want to know about her. I don’t want to know what I am about to take. It is better when I know nothing, to reduce them to it from such a place is easier… But decisively less fun. It is not the beer when I laugh, she notices and smiles to me. I smile back, lovingly. She is caught by the intensity of my eyes and the warmth of my smile. She likes me, even knows my name. I told her, she deserves to know. She barely thought it strange when I refused to hear hers, I told her to go back to work and she did. She wanted to stay with me, she did not want to go back to the pack, to the maw. I can help her with that, I can be a force for good in her life. I believe myself when I whisper this.

Patrons stumble drunkenly into the fine powdering of snow. A strange sight in this city. I never saw the snow, it was always so hot in my cage. I twisted about like an animal, waiting for ice or water. I barely realize that I have started to consume my booze thinking of it. To reach for a glass of water, to submit and admit defeat. When I drank, I did not feel numb. Only that I had surrendered. I always do. And the more I do so the more I enjoy it. The more I relish it. I drank in that bitter piss and loved it. Felt good, I remember now. It felt so good. I really must share this feeling with her, she deserves to know how good it can feel.

She’s abandoned like me, poor thing. Left to clean up as the sun threatens to rise. I am the only one left to give her company. To be good to her. I would be good to her. She wipes off the bar, looking to me on occasion. It time for the show, and tonight we have a master puppeteer and her marionette. I never liked an audience, it is whisper quiet and puts me at ease. For the first time in months I feel free, I tell myself that I am and I believe it.

I answer her question before she speaks it, that I was merely in search of a quiet drink and became spellbound by her. Oddly, they always believe me. She must have had a dozen lines of that sort that night, but I am different. I am the raven haired beauty across the floor with those eyes with the spark. It is a spark I was not born with, it was seared into me. Twisted and earned, developed much like I was. But unlike their intentions, I grew not to be what they wanted, I grew to be what they were. Were, I wish that were the case. Someday, maybe someday, I’ll find them and show them how their little Fiela grew-up. I am nearly forty now, it has been so long.

She knows that I am different, but cannot comprehend why. She does not like women in the way in which I speak to her, but she likes me. I know what they all think. I know what goes through those dying minds, that it is strange to come to desire me but it feels just so right. I believe that I am doing good works. I believe there is a purpose that they find me so enchanting.

She is beautiful, reminds me of myself when I was that age. I tell her so, she blushes. I tell her she loves all the attention she gets, and in that moment she does. I speak, softly but with authority, softly to pass through her fickle defenses and strike at her being. My eyes do the rest, my spark, their gift to me and forged over twelve long years. Someday I’ll show them what I have become, I wonder if for a brief moment they’ll be proud of me. I will make it so.

Time for the second act, ladies and gentlemen. In which our marionette comes to see the puppeteer who pulls her strings, just as a smile is pulled across her face. “I never expected to become so captivated.” “I was only passing through.” “I am very wealthy.” Finally, “May I escort you home?” They always ask why, and I answered her question before she spoke it. “A random act of kindness.” The extent of which she does not know. We nobles are known for our eccentricities, being one is so advantageous. I do love my husband, everything he is and everything he has brought me. May the peace of my household never be broken. For at least in my home, I am the one true council and in small part I may be free.

I love the cold, it always brings out the warmth in people. She knows it is improper, but I open my arms while sitting in my coach and take her into them. It is just, it is right. Look at how she longs for this. Look at how lonely she is. Don’t you see? I did her a service! Get your damn eyes off of me, I am what I am because you let me. You didn’t run when they tried to take you, now I live with your decision. I live with taking their hand, we believed them! Why didn’t I run?!

She lives in the hole, imagine that. A diamond such as hers does not deserve to be there. My driver, my good obedient driver doesn’t have orders to go there regardless. She would agree to return to my home, they all do. I hush her when she tells me she wants to ensure her brother is up and ready for school. Do not tell me these things! I never forget, I will never forget she was putting him through even the most basic education. I put my finger to her lips, caress under her chin and tell her to look at me. That she will come for warm coco at my home, and that during this random act of kindness there would be a fresh pound note for her company.

She thanks me for my generosity, I believe I am very much so. It is time to wrap myself around her, whisper in her ear, tell her how beautiful she is. I wonder if she ever did anything like this before. She believes it is like all the other times. New to being with a woman, even a Fiela, but I do not let her know that fact. I stop her from pulling the laces from my skirt, I tell her that I do not expect such service from her. Not yet. I do not tell her that, I really should. To place the seeds of doubt, instead she believes she has won the lottery. To be chosen by such a generous noblewoman. That I am, though not in the way she expects.

It is so cold, and I feel her shiver as I hold her in my arms. My driver opens the coach door and a chilly gust of snow blows inside. Snowflakes land gently on her hair in the aftermath. I cup her chin and pull her up to look at me, “Come inside.” The life in those eyes is so trusting, so beautiful, I scream to silence it. To share my gift with her. They would be proud of me, I only perfected their life’s work.

I carry her in a fur cloak, as if I am holding the child I can never have. She is tired. Tired from her work. She is lost, in my eyes. My smiling eyes with the spark I know she has become obsessed with. “Hush, you will be home soon…” She believes me, and I speak the truth. Her home is now my estate and I was about to pass its threshold.

She is thinking, why this woman? What a generous woman. Why do I feel so cold? In these nights they are not aware of it, they tell themselves it is the chill outside. They do not feel that they are slipping away from this world. At least she would soon rest eternal with me, until she was no longer of service.

She asks me why we are not going to the den, I tell her mine is in the rock of the mountain. That many nobles prefer the privacy of the stone. Feel at home, my puppet. You live under the stone, you should feel right at home.

I lay her to rest in my fur cloak nestled in a cozy leather chair. The one they all come to in the end. It is only a matter of minutes now, I tell her to rest. That I have told the chef to prepare her coco. She has but however long it takes that puppet to do so, maybe a little more. I sit opposite her and as I watch her smile to me, caught in my web, the darkest part of me smiles back. For once, I feel right, this is right. She would enjoy this, I know it. I am being a good person.

The chef gives the coco not to her but to me, placing it on a table to the side and promptly leaving. I stand and go to it, telling her to sit tight and that I only want to taste it. I lie and she believes me. I try to tell myself that it is the truth, I even stick my finger in and do so, just to make me feel a little better. She cannot see what I do, how I seal her fate. So she does what I hate her to do, she tells me about her home. Her young brother, her boss, how her childhood friend will never believe this story. I tell her to hush, loosing my patience. I tell her that she should not tell strangers all of these things. I am a monster, I know I am. Please, hush and let me do good in this world.

She will only taste the chocolate, my drug dissolves instantly. Not my favourite method but I did promise her this. I keep my promises, which means that I kept my promise to make her happy. To do good to her. Even kept my promise to return her home, it is right if her home is mine is it not?

I crave what is to come. I do not let it show. A steady hand passes her the plate and smiling lips tell her, “It is very good.” I left the door open behind me, she can still run. Staying here is her choice! She should not trust strange women she meets! She shouldn’t have looked into my eyes! I tell myself to hush, to settle, that it would all feel better soon. Much like she needs this to be happy. I want to make her so.

She’s quiet, enjoys her treat as I casually stroke her hair. I watch intently for the first sign. It comes moments after, a pause and a strange look to her eyes. Almost as if she wanted to fall asleep for just the briefest of moments. Then comes the second part, and I need to take the plate from her. She barely notices, becomes confused. Her body is resisting, but I know she will not win in the end. I always win in the end. She’ll thank me for it, I’ll make her do so.

Then she asks, so confused. What is happening to her, why does she feel so drowsy. As the curtain falls on her life, I bend over and reach out my hand to her. “Everything’s going to be alright, just take my hand.”

In an hour she lays with eyes wide open, restrained on my table, tubes running in and out of her arm with my drugs flowing. I have perfected their life’s work, I am their better. I would share their gift with the world. Again, and again, and again. It is my purpose. She’s awake, but not aware. She is breathing, but not alive. I have stripped her of the pain she felt, the pain of knowing she would have to return to slave in such a place. The pain of being under threat by so many boorish men. The pain of a solitary existence. “With a friend who would abandon you. With a brother leeching off of you.” I ease her into it, her mind pumped full of so much that every suggestion is law, that every instruction is purpose.

But no, no, she can’t know. I toy with her at first, as the drugs flow I twist her world around until she knows the truth. Her voice sounds like all the rest, monotone, quiet, obedient. I smile, just like so many of them did with me. Knowing I could not run, and increasingly lived in a world of their creation, increasingly the only world I have known. But I can go deeper than that, my gifts allow me to create something so much more than that. To sculpt rock, to shape a mind like putty. I want to do it, I need to do it. I am their better and would show this gift to the world. The one I control. For that moment I am free.

There’s resistance in those eyes, still. She’s strong, I wonder if I will know stronger. But they all succumb in the end. It is for the best. After all, “You have no memories of family, in fact trying to think about anyone besides me is so difficult. It is as if you are trying to read a message from an entirely white wall.” White walls surrounded me, they would surround her. She would take refuge in them, like I did for such a long time. Only the walls of my construction are far stronger. “The walls of this estate are all you know. I know you are trying to remember which city this is, what a city is, where the water from the falls goes. It truly goes nowhere, and you do not care. After all, this property is an island and there is really nothing else…” It is how I have always done it, filled with chemicals of my design her mind is so open, it is if I am writing her like I write this page. Pure white paper as I draw my black ink across it.

In the closing act, ladies and gentlemen, the marionette looks to her puppeteer for purpose and is given one. The only purpose she has ever known. “If you know how to serve drinks, how to clean and how to take orders for a meal, but you do not know of any world outside; what must you have been doing here?” The blank mind searches for answers, and it reaches out to my voice for an answer. “You serve here, you serve the lady of this house. After all, it only makes sense given all you know, and how you have never been anywhere else. In fact, you do it with a smile. It is a good thing I am here to guide you, have you forgotten how you enjoy it here? No, you haven’t. You love it here…” I am to make her happy, it makes me smile. I am doing good work, she’ll be very happy here. And I do really need two serving girls, one simply cannot handle the load. It will make my husband happy, I am a very good wife.

I can see those eyes, those beautiful eyes as the life begins to drain. Fade. A lifetime of memories is replaced with a lifetime of blissful service. Unchanging, “Just as you want. It is too dangerous to look elsewhere, you have no idea what lies out there.” And readily accepting of, “I am Lady Reyna Molina, your mistress. And I love you just he way you are. You are perfect. You are so happy…” As her mind twists and turns to my will the light continues to fade. “You are such a pretty doll. I am so glad I made you! You even look like a real person, I am that good…”

I can taste it, I can feel it. The light is so weak in those eyes, so faded, it cannot fight. I catch myself staring into them, feeding off of the fading life, knowing I am doing the right thing. Proud to share my gift. She is mine, she is perfect, and I have made her happy. My gift has done so much good in this world!

I hate to see it end, but I need to do so. I inject one last drug, to confirm page with of writing and to inject life to my creation. I watch that body ever so gently move, twist, those eyes have not blinked in so long. So dry. They are about to. There they go! It is so beautiful, you really should see.

My doll blinks, gasps for a deep breath and I crawl on top of her, looking into those eyes. “Tell me, what are you?”

And in the moment as her twisted and programmed mind speaks those words I see the life leave those eyes. She tells me, “I am your doll, Mistress Molina.”

“And are you happy?”

And she tells me, “Yes.”

Release, sweet blissful release. Freedom over another, the power is beautiful and satisfying. A pleasured smile stretches across my face, and for the next few months I may breathe easier.

And yet, like the drugs and like the booze it will fade. It is wrong not to share your gift with the world, it is wrong not to make others happier. Truly, I am doing them a service. It would be wrong of me not to. I believe all of this. I believed it then, and I will believe it soon and every time after. To another take a girl by the hand and lead her to know what I am, and what they did. To know that I am better than they are, I am capable of what they were not.

At least, that is what I choose to believe. I know I’ll do it again. I know that brother probably starved, alone and afraid. Not knowing what is going on, sitting in bed, scared. Wondering why her parents would sell her to this place, wondering what is wrong with her. She took their hand! Wondering why they lied, when they said everything would be alright. It is not alright. She doesn’t know where she is, she doesn’t recognize those white walls. They tell her she is sick, but it is all she has ever known. They tell her they can fix her, and she believes them. She always believes them. She knows they will hurt her, that they hate her, that they do not care. That she won’t be happy. She clings to that identity as long as she can, to know that she is a little girl no matter what they say. And in the end surrender to them, to believe them, to let them twist and mold her. She is lost, scared, hateful of herself for now she must share the gift. Share all that she has ever known, as the world outside of those white walls became lost and she forgets her name. I never gave my dolls a name, for when I do they might want to pass it along. A little girl chose her name on the day she tore down the white walls. Even if they remain with her. That she can never leave. And the only thing she has ever known is to destroy, to wipe clean, to share what they did to her.

I was too weak, I am too weak. I do not stop it, I need to but I cannot. I need to press on, to inflict, to be back in control, to be free. After every one of these nights, when I look into those newly blank eyes, I wonder if anyone could stop this. To show me what I am, to beat this darkness inside. Is there anyone who walks this earth, with the strength to run?

at she is a little girl no matter what they say. And in the end surrender to them, to believe them, to let them twist and mold her. She is lost, scared, hateful of herself for now she must share the gift. Share all that she has ever known, as the world outside of those white walls became lost and she forgets her name. I never gave my dolls a name, for when I do they might want to pass it along. A little girl chose her name on the day she tore down the white walls. Even if they remain with her. That she can never leave. And the only thing she has ever known is to destroy, to wipe clean, to share what they did to her.

I was too weak, I am too weak. I do not stop it, I need to but I cannot. I need to press on, to inflict, to be back in control, to be free. After every one of these nights, when I look into those newly blank eyes, I wonder if anyone could stop this. To show me what I am, to beat this darkness inside. Is there anyone who walks this earth, with the strength to run?

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: The Lady General
Filed under: The Lady General

Having a bit of a rough night, progress on my novel isn’t happening so I figured I would watch documentaries, read Wonder Woman comics and post here. Hello, all.

First, the mood isn’t related to Germany loosing to Spain (the fuck?). if you read this blog with any regularity you’ve probably noticed the German football club’s logo to the right. So yes, I was hoping they would win. They didn’t. And now we’re going to fry an octopus because clearly it’s all Paul’s fault! That poor octopus… I would comment on the game here, but I was not feeling all that well during it so I ended up passing out on my bed and woke to see the score. Ah well, they’re young and after getting some more experience, they should take the cup in 2014. Germany hasn’t won the world cup since they were West Germany, so clearly the reason they didn’t win isn’t so much an octopus as it is the fall of communism. Don’t blame Paul, he was just doing his job!

Also, there’s a lot of… heated debate, going on against the RealID system for Activision-Blizzard’s Battle.net 2.0 system. (This is a gear shift from football to StarCraft) Basically any forum post on Blizzard’s system will come accompanied with your actual name. Anyone with half a brain can see the difficulties in introducing people’s real names to an environment where people often are not thinking rationally, or the internet in general. Now, personally (very personally, don’t take this as an endorsement of the change) own jadecastillo.com, and there’s quite a bit on me to know generally where I am, what I look like (certainly no shortage of that…) and enough to build a rough psych profile of me. (Which has been used for good and evil. *waves to the friend who used it for good*) However, most people don’t do this, and truthfully even after this site, I don’t want my real name attached to any StarCraft II posts I might make. Never mind that the community is still filled with incredible stupidity and that women will be unfairly targeted. But also, as my friend Katherine pointed out in her latest blog post, this will out trans people and take away their option to post on the forums. Also, there’s a danger that the RealID info can be pulled up through the command line and in-game as well. It’s really an amazingly stupid idea. What I don’t get is how Activision-Blizzard’s lawyers didn’t run to the CEO shouting, “This is America where people sue because they weren’t aware coffee is served hot! And you want to launch an online stalking service?!” We’ll see how it plays out, but we really don’t need social networking everywhere. We really don’t need it in our escapism. What also confuses me is that the community never demanded these changes, yet they keep saying “it’s what the community wants!” despite the community fighting them every step of the way. Learn this lesson, be skeptical of everything that anyone tells you except me.

Some good stuff was Carnal Nation doing a tongue-in-cheek article on the similarities of Fundamentalist Christianity and BDSM. It’s very cute, very clearly light hearted fare. I did like referring to Jesus’ crown of thorns and public beating as a scene. It is interesting though, at the number of inspirations BDSM has taken from religion. Of course my previous musing in Body With Soul was that we just don’t practice any sort of physical worship (pleasurable or painful), so it might sound strange to view the two as often the same. I suppose I wish fundamentalist Christianity was a bit more like BDSM, giving women more choice and a safe word if needed.

Summer Reading List

This is actually helping me take my mind off things, but this is now the therapy portion of this post. I often write just as a train of thought, so generally that might explain a few of these sentences. Maybe I just feel strange some nights and have difficulty speaking about it. I think it’s mostly just the stagnation of a lot of things, even if I am making progress. I’ll explain. I’m pushing myself harder at the gym and am becoming stronger, but am not ready to move forward in terms of kickboxing. (I actually need to arrange another session, been caught up in general routine) I’m writing, but have so much I want to get out and unfortunately fingers are not as fast as my mind. Taking a break tonight, just want to be able to give it my all when I play. The good news is that I have made a lot of progress, a chapter about every two nights. Writing takes a long time, I have learned that. I still don’t know how some authors do a book or two every year, even if they do it full time… I suppose more than full time makes sense. (Carey’s latest book just arrived, so I’ve added it to the shelf and will read it someday) Reading through my summer reading list.

I think it’s just, there are still some bad days. There’s many many good, but still some bad. Maybe I’m just tired today. On Monday I was at the gym and found myself unable to push myself or really do my usual workout. So I returned with a vengeance the following day and probably had the best work out of my life. But I suspect that even if I was begging for more by the end, I might be feeling the effects now. I think it’s also, just getting comfortable with my submissive and masochistic side again. Just, know it’s a part of me and like I say, online I’m totally fine with it. It’s just a bit more fragile sometimes… Or that I just need to figure out how it fits into my life. I think that might have been playing on the emotional side of things, just seeking the companionship I seek. Hey, in the meantime life’s still interesting. I think my gym needs more kinky folks though, at least more kinky women. It’s a wonderful gym, but mostly it’s me and a bunch of guys working out on the weights and that’s no fun. Just, I thought I knew how it would fit into my world, and now I’m back to not knowing.

There is just general emotional things, but that’s to be expected and done on purpose in terms of how my hormones are prescribed. It’s just running a bit hot as usual. Ah well, at least I know how to calm myself. Just talking, and writing here, and just figuring it out. I do want to play more with my headspace in terms of a Dom/ sub play thing, to ease myself back into it all, certainly there’s people out there who are willing to help. Actually, I have two people reading my novel as I write it and giving a lot of invaluable feedback and it still makes my day when they do so, so thanks you two. I think I am a bit disappointed my mother doesn’t wish to read it, I put a lot of effort into this and I certainly have read her stuff… Maybe the idea that it’s all about sex, I totally understand if people want to skip over sections, but I guess a part of me was really disappointed by that.

Also, an outline of the script arrived in my hands today so I’ll need to review it when I wake. Just wasn’t feeling up to it today, only gave it a brief run down. Hard to get real impressions of it yet.

I remember, that even when it feels as if She has gone, like the moon She always watches above me. I guess in times like this I feel disconnected to my faith, it’s usually a sign to return and just center myself. Focus on the days ahead and what I can do to make them brighter. It is nice, knowing that Cybele is with me.

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: BDSM, Blizzard, Cybele, Football, Germany, Starcraft, The Great Goddess, The Lady General, Wonder Woman
Filed under: Jade's Diary

I am in a fantastic mood, because I’m done 4/5 courses including the hardest exam of the bunch. It involved being on campus for two days in a row and that just destroyed me energy wise. Also all the studying had completely interrupted my gym schedule. However! After the psychology (the hard one) exam I bought one of those 12 buck burritos (totally worth it) and then pushed myself to go to the gym. I can’t believe I had energy for both, but I really wanted that gym. Which, today, my muscles of course feel better and my mood has picked right back up! I spent all night yesterday playing Civilization IV and then slept in until 2pm. Mmmmm… Also it’s a brilliant day out right now, so that’s awesome. If you’ve noticed I’ve been sorta upbeat lately. A lot more good days than bad and I realize I was compelled to make a list about awesome people and things.

Getting back to the gym is a huge part of this mood. To wake up with slightly aching muscles (since getting in shape they don’t get sore anymore….) and to dress slowly while just taking time to feel the body I’m in. It’s fantastic. Also the mirror, my full length mirror has really been a great thing to have. This might sound strange, but the idea that my body is female now, it never gets old. Whenever I pass a mirror, there’s still an aspect of pausing and just looking at my reflection. That of a woman, and so it might sound/ be narcissistic, but I still can’t believe how far I’ve come. I never thought I’d blend in, much less look cute. I never thought I’d have this confidence. The second part related to the gym, my muscles continue to gain tone and strength and I just love the look and feel. Getting that itch to train more, but now that my exams are pretty much done, time to find a proper kickboxing/ Maui Thai club. I used to think that mixed-martial arts were sorta stupid but holy shit is it fun.

The prep for the psychology exam was interesting. Basically my friend Julian had an idea to help me focus. Basically she not only offered her ear for me to discuss (and thus increase my ability of retaining) what I’ve learned, but used a bit of power dynamic. The idea was that she would go away for about five hours, leaving me to it. And after that time (5, 6 hours I forget how long) she would return and ask me what I’ve learned, and we’d discuss it for an hour. Basically an hour of me just going through everything that I’ve learned. What was kinda fun was that I couldn’t shake the image of a Schoolmistress and a student, and while giving my oral presentation on four months of psychology it made me smile. I don’t know, it might sound silly, but those games helped me a lot. I wouldn’t have done as well as I did without it. I guess what just helped me learn was that I was doing it for someone, not wanting to let them down along with it just being a fun dynamic and game. Probably one method of tutoring that will never make it to mainstream unless I do something, but ah well. I did enjoy joking that she’d have to chain me to the desk, or else I might decided to run off and spend time downtown; and that while I’m usually pretty good, given my obvious liking of a character any Domme should know I’ll be tempted to do so. So, thank you Julian. It made studying fun. Now if only they’d give me oral exams in the same style. I’d either be the best student ever, or the worst.

Today, I’m just relaxing, watching Day9 and will get some writing done. The writing is interesting because as I changed so much, I’ve run across a chapter which will look nothing like the original. Originally the chapter was Tat’s back story where she was talking to Xavier. At first I wanted to keep away from explaining Tat’s origin until a little while into the novel, but since I changed that (and gave the origin a huge treatment). So, in this version of the novel I’m looking for a chapter to write in its place. I know I still want something there, as I want to build things up just a tiny bit more before a lot of questions are answered and the council are revealed. I’m looking to include Xavier, possibly have Tat have a glimpse at his world and help him out a bit. Still brainstorming. If I can’t think of anything, I’ll juts write the one afterwards. The benefit of chapters/ episodes, is that if I’m blocked on one I can jump ahead to another. Though not too far into the future because often while writing I’ll get inspired and add details in which the others would need to be aware of. I like chapters which really play off the others, even if it’s not obvious at first. Like when I have two seeming ly separate plots, but then it turns out someone was behind the events of another all along. I’m thinking for Xavier’s world, maybe have him need Tat’s protection for a job as he doesn’t have anyone available and during a meeting they learn that the council has started to move into Xavier’s normally low profile/ ignored operations and Tat continues to try and figure out the method to the council’s madness.

The sun is out, I’m just going to sip coffee for a bit more and write this casually. Also, for some reason despite my love of comics I haven’t looked into Wonder Woman much. You know, the Amazonian princess with obvious BDSM undertones. Somehow that slipped my radar, so I’ve started to look into her novels. Should be good, I’ve never really gotten into the character in any real depth. Also right now there’s a lot of buzz over Wonder Woman getting a costume change, and honestly I think it’s great. It’s very modern, still sexy, looks very combat ready and I think the old outfit was becoming a bit tired. So, if you ever wanted my opinion on that, there it is.

Still tired, bed was so cozy… Mmmm… love waking up at 12 and knowing “I’m still tired, fuck it, bed!” and sleeping until two. Alright, going to sip coffee, eat this bagel and take it easy.

Happy Canada day! Ciao for now!

- Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: BDSM, kickboxing, The Lady General, Wonder Woman
Filed under: Jade's Diary, The Lady General

I’ve been wanting to do a generally uplifting post for a while now. So I’ve decided to list my favourite people, places, things and give them the Jade Castillo award for being awesome, incredible and or inspiring. I might do more of these, and some entries are going to be bleeding obvious. Still, for some reason this has seemed like a good idea for the past couple of weeks. Also these probably won’t be organized in any fashion, writing them as they come. I might do another if I think of ten more.

The Goddess Cybele

The Goddess Cybele

I had to include Her, but because I want to and not because I fear an ancient Greek Goddess’ wrath. Another person/ Goddess brought up often in this blog, as Brassard gave me a rebirth, Cybele gave me a home. Cybele (pronounced a variety of ways, the most proper which I’ve found is Ky-bell-e) is a Pagan Goddess representing the Earth (the mountains, the ground, fortresses, all means of protection) and was seen as a protector of Rome when She entered around 200 BCE. Notably is a sect of Cybele’s followers, the Gallae. The story of Cybele’s son/ daughter Attis has been discussed in detail earlier. But the gist is that in seeing the plight of ancient transsexuals, Cybele opened Her arms and Her temples to all of those like myself who would follower Her. Thought by some to choose Her priestesses at birth and that the Gallae belong to Her, thought by others as to be a mother of the Gods themselves, Cybele is truly an aspect of The Great Goddess. A woman who walked the Earth some time ago who had gifts and wisdom and a connection to a higher divine which Cybelines strive to achieve under Her, emulating Her and by learning Her teachings. Near the bottom of this list but certainly not least (as there is no order to this) actually screw it, I’m copying and pasting Her entry to the top. Basically I am not sure what I can say that has not been said already, but She gave me a home, she helped me feel less ashamed of myself and gave reason for my being like this. It helps that the Gallae were seen as masochistic and the Day of Blood is a very literal title. She makes me feel at home and from the moment I saw her, from the moment I completed my rite to become a Gallae, and even prior in learning Her existence; I did feel very much at home. And that has been a wonderful, remarkable and incredible gift.

Valve software & Steam

Steam by Valve

Steam put up nearly their entire catalog on sale just now, something which has happened time and time again. I realize that thanks to digital distribution, I haven’t touched physical media in a long time. Valve also made Portal, Half-Life, Team Fortress, most of which I’ve mentioned at some point or another on this blog. They’re great games, a ton of fun and the writing for Portal was amazing. Coupled with them leading the way in online retailing,  love this company. The fact that they can choose to discount their entire catalog at the drop of a hat is remarkable, and has shown to be very successful. On the recent 10th anniversary of Deus Ex, they knocked half the price off. Right now they’re having a sale which emphasizes why you should stay inside and the deals (as can see in the screenshot) are pretty good. Unfortunately they also remember your credit card info which has made some for some expensive impulse purchases; something which the second company I’ll mention is guilty as hell of. Combined with free DLC and managing director Gabe Newell seeming like an awesome guy, I like this company. This is what the future of retail for software looks like. There’s no box, no store, no physical disk to loose. Just an account that you can take wherever you go, which contains your entire (game in this case) library. It’s DRM, but it’s DRM done right. Alright, I realize this is basically “I don’t have to go outside, thank God this day has come.” But really, this is an embracing the future choice and Valve has been doing a great job at it.

Jacqueline Carey

Jacqueline Carey

The first obvious entry. Anyone who has read this blog knows that I’m a bit of a fan. Carey’s been able to write protagonists which speak to me, and who I can relate to in a lot of ways. Oddly I’m having difficulty thinking of what to say. Never before have I found an author whose work spoke to me on such a level. When I moved back to Toronto after loosing my friends, my university career, my apartment and basically found myself back with my parents starting over, I started reading ‘Kushiel’s Dart’. I have yet to finish, but that’s mostly the emotional reaction I get from things. A couple friends are working with me to figure out why that is. Anyways, for someone who felt so ashamed of being a masochist and submissive and searching for her place in the world, Carey’s character Phedre showed that you can be all those things and unstoppable too. Kinda stuck with me. Then there’s ‘Santa Olivia’ where Carey wrote a character who happened to be a lesbian, and just wove it in as part of her without the book focusing on that aspect of her. It was nice to see a strong female and lesbian character portrayed as a human being and not have the story dwell on that aspect of her being. Additionally, interviews which I happen across (Google Jacqueline Carey, they’re easy to find) give a lot of insight into the writing process as well as herself. She seems like a very interesting person.

Also I wrote her a letter explaining why her books have had such an impact on me and she wrote back! It made my… so far year. So writing my own erotic fantasy, I got a kick start to do so by being inspired by Carey’s writing. Certainly her work has given me a lot of insight into myself and inspired to weave my own stories. Can’t really say much else (and the letter I’m not planning on publishing), aside from the fact that she seems like a cool person and she’s kinda the first role model I ever had. Her personal site is here.

Sean Plott aka Day[9]

Sean Plott

Sean Plott is an American StarCraft/ StarCraft II player and one of the best foreigners (read: Non-Korean) going. He’s also on here because like the other people mentioned here, he seems like a great guy. He has won the 2007 PanAmerican Championship and the 2005 WCG (World Cyber Games) USA titles. Today Sean hosts the Day9 Daily, which is a webshow where he analyzes in depth StarCraft games which are particularly good examples in one facet of the game or another. There’s plenty of people who announce/ shoutcast games out there, and a quick YouTube search will bring a ton of them up. What sets him apart is his program is basically a university lecture on StarCraft, and he makes it so incredibly interesting to watch that I’ve seen every episode. His smile is pretty cute too. He has a love for the game, as his 100th Daily where he recounted his career in StarCraft showed beautifully. What I love is his passion for the game, the community and just his love of being a part of it and teaching people about StarCraft’s intricacies. His sense of humour, voice help quite a bit too in making viewing his program a lot of fun. By voice I mean his speaking style is really well suited for getting you involved, some people (like myself) just can’t pull it off and it’s a bit hard to describe. Even if I don’t play nearly as much or as well as him, I still love watching his program and I’ve learned a lot from it. He’s a cool guy and I’d love to have a beer with him sometime, which by some standards suggests that I wish him to be President or something. You can watch the Day9 Daily Live here. (Sun-Thu @ 22:00) You can see the Day9 Daily archives here.

Sadomasochism/ BDSM

I just like this one.

This is a very very broad subject, so much that it’s not so much a thing as much as a concept or indulgence. Either way, all I know is that I have been two things since I was born. A woman and kinky. The rest of this was learned, although you could argue Cybele had me at conception. Either way, nothing has given me the rush, the fulfillment, the intimacy, the fun or the happiness as kink has, besides transitioning. As I mentioned recently, it’s when I was walking up to a St. Andrew’s Cross knowing I was in for an hour of torture. I knew it was going to hurt, I knew it would reduce me to tears, and I knew it would leave me bruised and marked for a week. Still, I did it, and those times were one of the happiest of my life. Being put on display, nearly naked and kinda becoming a living statue for extended periods was incredible. It’s the feeling of being bound and knowing you are completely at someone’s mercy, to know there is no escape from what is coming. The intimacy and the trust, coupled with the drugs which flow when I’m being tortured are hard to put into words. I don’t know why I am like this way, I don’t know why I hold masochistic and submissive parts of me in such high regard, or that I need to indulge in this. (See how I identify with Carey’s character Phedre?) All I know is that I love it, and that makes it worthy of this list. I’ve had a good friend say repeatedly, “I can’t picture you without the whips and chains.” and despite becoming very ashamed of it at times, it’s who I am. What I need to do now is find a safer and more loving environment to indulge in some very dark fantasies, or even just a Mistress to serve. Chalk this item up to another which helped me discover who I am, and despite the bumps in the road, I need it in my life.

Amazon.ca

The second company on this list, and for the same reasons as Valve. Amazon (the Canadian version being the one I use) basically decided to stock in bulk anything ever published ever (including self-published books) and knock 30% off the price and offer free shipping for large orders (which are actually quite modest). I can find books on BDSM, I can find comic books, I can pre-order Jacqueline Carey’s work (I’ve had one on pre-order since December), or books on erotic artwork. Along with the fact that shipping is amazingly fast, and that I’ve never had a problem with them, this company gets my seal of approval. (Read: Jade Castillo Award for Capitalism Done Right) I know that there’s independent booksellers to support (and I sorta want to work at one) but when a company seems so friendly and makes it far cheaper to order something online than it is to pick it up in person (Steam does this with software as I said), it’s hard to resist. Most of the books on my shelf were bought from this company. Also now they can open up shop completely in Canada, so yay for more jobs coming and better service. Don’t ever change. They’re also doing my StarCraft II pre-order, as they’ve decided to just branch out and stock everything under the sun.

The World Cup Streamed Online

More examples of the future being done right. I realize I’m not talking about stem cells, or the singularity, but mostly things which affect me. CBC and other broadcasters have started to stream the World Cup for free online. Given that broadband is so wide-spread (even if South Korea kicks our ass at it) it makes a lot of sense to. They get ad revenue, but even then there’s not a lot of ads to watch. The CBC also provided streaming of the winter Olympics earlier this year and that was in HD. It’s a reason why TV is dying, and honestly we don’t need it. Given how powerful and fast our machines have gotten, the TV is obsolete. Our monitors are just as nice, you can use a computer on a cozy couch if you want and this is just bringing more of what we want onto a system which can already do so much. For someone who gave up her cable, I thank anyone who streams the world cup. Now I don’t need to pay for a cable subscription to watch Germany crush people on the pitch and that’s a good feeling.

Symphonic Metal

My Winter Storm - Tarja Turunen

Tarja Turunen, Nightwish, Xandria, Within Temptation, Epica and After Forever specifically. Symphonic Metal is music generally with a female opera singer lead, that’s a mix of classical opera and metal. It’s fantastic. The themes generally agree with a woman into BDSM, Jacqueline Carey novels and ancient spirituality too. I’m going to be honest that it’s hard to describe why music is awesome when really I should just let it do the talking. So I’m going to dig up some YouTube links to some of my favourite tracks from the genre. This is what I listen to when I write, and I like to think that the world I’ve created for The Lady General was in part inspired by the themes and rhythm of this genre.

Lost Northern Star – Tarja Turunen

Mother of Light – Epica

Face Your Demons – After Forever

Amaranth – Nightwish

Fade – Theatre of Tragedy

Sex Reassignment Surgery also Dr. Brassard

NSFW

98% of people who undergo SRS report being happier with their lives and themselves than pre-op, making this the most successful medical procedure in the world. My quality of life improved a hundred fold the moment I had SRS. It’s like I had carried a weight with me my entire life, and then dropped it. I wake up every day happy to have done it, and certainly I still find myself exploring my new vagina with a mirror. The fact that this procedure is possible has brought relief and happiness to countless people. It’s not common, but for those who it affects it is a (very) bloody miracle. I’m not including a picture for this one because I like you readers. However! If you do want to see a photo of what a post-op vagina looks like, that I can certainly arrange. You can also read the post ‘My Stories’ for a lot of my thoughts on the procedure. If you’re interested in looking into SRS, there’s no better surgeon and place than Dr. Brassard GRS Montreal. Actually, Dr. Brassard counts as an entry in this list so I’m adding him to the title (which you won’t see). The man saved my life with this procedure and I’d count that as something amazing.

George Orwell

George Orwell

The author who got me interested in writing and reading, I’ve been following Orwell for as long as I can remember. Well not really following, he died decades ago, but reading. Aside from ’1984′, I’ve read most of his works. I once skipped class in high school to read Animal Farm (first book to ever finish in a day). When I was out west I read through his autobiographical works ‘Down and Out in Paris and London’ and ‘Homage to Catalonia’, both of which are sadly overlooked masterpieces. I can respect someone who got shot in the neck and later published a book with the event being a major plot point. What I remember about Orwell the most is his quotes and advise on writing. I love his style, it’s blunt, to the point and doesn’t dance around it with obscure metaphor. To use quotes from his wikpedia page:

• “Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print”.
• “Never use a long word where a short one will do”.
• “If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out”.
• “Never use the passive voice where you can use the active”.
• “Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent”.
• “Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous”.

We can debate whether the world is headed for an Orwellian Dystopia or not all day (England is, the US is going the Huxley route) but in the end what I’ll remember is his account of rushing plates through a French restaurant while drinking bottles of wine to keep going and sweating out all the alcohol from the intense heat. (Scene from ‘Down and Out in Paris and London’) He is what got me interested in writing, and I sorta liked the psychology to Ingsoc’s ways. One of the few parts of my past I wish to keep with me, he rounds out this list.

And there you have it. Kinda wanted to do a “The world is awesome!” post after everything. I might do another sometime. Ciao for now. – Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: BDSM, Cybele, Day9, Epica, George Orwell, Jacuqline Carey, Kushiel's Legacy, Nightwish, Santa Olivia, Sean Plott, SRS, Starcraft, Steam, Tarja Turunen, The Great Goddess, Theatre of Tragedy, Valve, Within Temptation, Xandria
Filed under: Cybeline Faith, Jade' Kinks, Jade's Diary, Starcraft

Thought I’d include a quick photo of where my body is right now compared to where it was at the start of the year (where I hadn’t done any physical training in some time).

Here’s where I am now:

Compared to last January:

Might be hard to see from the quality of the first photo, but my arms have improved and my core muscles have a lot more definition. It’s nice to have, feeling strong. Just felt like posting this.

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: Jade Castillo
Filed under: Jade's Diary

But first our top story. Dentist says my teeth are in excellent shape. *smiles* Which is good because Germany advances to the Round of 16 and that makes me smile.

Actually Germany beating Ghana 1-0 and heading towards the Ro16 is probably the biggest news as it just happened. After the ref was a fucking moron several days ago, both teams that they fucked manage to advance today. The other being the USA, though I didn’t really expect that to happen. Regardless, despite not showing the power and dominance of their 4-0 slaughter of Australia, they managed to get the win against Ghana and completely reversed their fortunes. Now Ghana will have to see how the Australia v Serbia plays out while Germany can relax. Ozil, you are my hero. Schweinsteiger, call me. I’d go straight for Schweinsteiger or Klose. I think it was smart not to play Klose and just let that yellow card (which he should never have had in the first place) expire. Now we’re going to be entering the elimination matches so I’m going to be watching matches more religiously. It’s always better when each team needs a win in order to advance, the Round Robin has the potential to take some of the pressure off.

In slightly closer to home news, there’s an odd increased police presence around the city. If you’re in Toronto and haven’t gone downtown to see the wall, I’m not sure it’s worth seeing. It’s pretty hideous and odd to see Toronto so divided. My position on the whole thing is echoed by a lot of people here, we don’t want the G20, we don’t want the protesters; both sides please leave us the fuck alone. At least it shouldn’t last.

It makes no sense to hold the G20 somewhere different every time. It makes less sense as it’s 2010 to have it in person instead of video conference the damn thing. It’s more confusing as to why they (Harper) would hold it in a densely populated area during peak tourist season. Of course logic about the G20 isn’t important when Harper can wag his dick at the world and show off an indoor lake (just outside the real one) and spend a billion on security for a few days. I guess it helps that while doing so he gets to piss on Toronto and given Harper’s recent treatment of Pride and other events, doing so is probably his hobby. Businesses downtown meanwhile are going to loose thousands, travel time is a nightmare and we’re going to attract plagues of idiot protesters. The kind who come from outside Toronto and don’t give much of a shit towards the rights of private property owners. When Canadians decide they’ve had enough of Harper’s bullshit (Hey Liberal party shitheads, get your fucking act together) I don’t think I’ll ever watch a politician’s exit with more glee. I hope they kick him down some stairs.

*takes a deep breath*

Alright, the good news is that a couple days ago I managed to wipe out most of my debt. I am extremely happy about this.

It made for a nice solstice present. Which I didn’t do a post, but Happy (belated) Solstice! They day itself was marked with a bit of anxiety, and a lot of good. Being summer, I decided to do something different to celebrate. My approach to religion and the Cybeline faith has always been trying to stay formal, true to the rituals of the Gallae/ Cybelines past. I was not feeling it at the time, so I decided just to take my key, sit on the bed in the evening and just… talk. I like to think that She heard me. I tried to use a bit more humour than before and it was odd, whenever I wondered if She would say something I heard someone walk down the hallway. It was a very frequent coincidence. It was nice just to have a heart to heart, just to talk and communicate. To ask questions, to ask for continued guidance. It was a new thing for me, but I still lit a candle.

The itch I can’t scratch, my masochistic/ submissive side… I want to get another tattoo, not because I have a meaningful design (I did, but am not sure about it now) in mind but more that I’m aching to get back into that chair. Or go back to the club, or hire a professional Domme to help me through this time. It’s driving me nuts. I could do it myself but it’s not the same, there’s no headspace play, and the whole submitting to the torture is a big part of it. It is walking up to a St. Andrew’s Cross knowing what is going to happen, knowing it is going to hurt and be suffering but doing so anyways. That’s what I love. The headspace, the suffering, the bondage… And after finally having a taste after a lifetime of waiting, returning from it is driving me mad. It’s like going your entire life wanting something but never having experienced it, at least your mind and body couldn’t ache for specifics. Now it’s different.

I’ve been bringing this up a lot because it’s confusing. When I transitioned, being a woman in this world made things come clearer into focus. I was able to connect to people, find community and feel at home in ways I never felt before. But with this second part of me, the other quality I was born with and carried all this time; it’s brought me nothing but confusion and difficulty. Not to mention the loss of friends followed by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am a submissive, I am a masochist it is how I was born but I don’t know how it fits into this world and that’s what frustrates me. It’s an entirely different thing, and there is no “Gallae” title that helped explain why this exists. I don’t know why I’m like this, sometimes I wish I wasn’t as it’s brought me some good and a lot of bad. But if this is me then how does it fit?

- Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: BDSM, Cybele, Cybeline, Germany, Stephen Harper, The Great Goddess, World Cup
Filed under: Cybeline Faith, Jade' Kinks, Jade's Diary

Thought I’d give a quick update, even if things have been slow. I am officially back to being a decent student, having finished all but one term essay and am setting up to do my exams. So, I’m going to get my year. Which is nice, I would have hated to have to re-do things (especially when I was averaging about 90) due to what happened. But I have an exam on campus this Tuesday and I’ll be going it alone, and I think I can handle the crowd now, and that will be a sign of a lot of progress. Honestly I just want to pass, after that I’m just claiming victory in the fact that I finished the year. Also I need to thank my profs for being so understanding. I think one of the benefits of being in the Social Work department is that when you are diagnosed with PTSD stemming from sexual assault and abuse, people tend to be understanding. It was a huge comfort during recovery.

On my own front, I’m still aiming to finish ‘The Lady General’ in a year. Of course at my current pace, that won’t happen. So I need motivation somehow to step things up. So I need to find a way to do that. It’s fun when I’m writing, but it’s just sitting down to write. For some reason my mind is against working on it, until I sit down and write it. So I’ll need to figure out a system. Maybe try doing a chapter a night, that should work. That would be difficult though, the chapters themselves are about 10-15 pages of dense text (seems to be the length of the mini-story arcs I have for each letter/ chapter) and that takes a while to write… But I think I’m focusing too much on that aspect, in the end when I get to play in that world I enjoy myself. It helps that a few friends have been so kind to offer to give it a look over. It’s hugely beneficial to have someone come to me with “This doesn’t make sense.” Sometimes I get too wrapped up in Tat’s allusions that I cross the line from ‘playful hinting’ to ‘totally obscure’. But I have things plotted out and when I do write it moves nicely. I just tend to get overwhelmed. Often I get overwhelmed by reading other gorgeous works and being convinced I’ll never be able to write anything near as good. I think I forget that I feel this is an important story, and I love that I can tell it. While reading other works are important (The Lady General’s going to be an odd mix of Erotic Fantasy meets Super Hero comics and both certainly have influenced the story), I think they will help me find my voice and my style. Over time it will get stronger, and the only way to do that is to keep writing and keep reading.

So, can I write an epic scale fantasy novel in a year? Given that it’s already had considerable brain development time, it’s hard to say. Chances are I’ll self-publish (never figure on doing this for a living. Therapist first, writer on the side) so I’m not getting any advance or cash to write this thing. I still have life that I can’t escape. We’ll see how the summer goes. Maybe I just need to come up with a way to keep me working. Place your bets.

Also, I’m hosting the first section of ‘The Lady General’ in handy PDF for those interested. It can be downloaded here. As much as I’ll post here, but curious to see what people might think. Some things might change but that’s a solid look at the first part of the story titled ‘The Birth of Tatjyana Novikov’. Standard erotic fantasy content advisory applies, but if you’re reading this you don’t give a fuck.

On the subject of reading, I’m making my way through the dense graphic novel ‘Watchmen’. The movie of which is one of my favourite movies of all time. I was amazed at how true to the comic it stayed. The book is fairly dense though, compared to Fables the pages are absolutely packed. It’s amazing though, the dialogue is strong and there isn’t a single character who I don’t like.I can see why it’s such a classic. Also it’ll make good material for the last essay I need to finish up. I want to write about the graphic novel/ comic works which legitimized the genre as an art form and Alan Moore’s work in the late 80′s (‘The Dark Knight Returns’ and ‘Watchmen’ included) will be a central focus. The essay is for the course which introduced me to graphic novels/ comics. Before I had wanted to get into it, but didn’t know where to start. My prof suggested ‘Fables’ and it just went from there.

‘Fables’ has taken an odd turn though. After the Adversary saga wrapped up (which was brilliance), I’m reading the volumes which came after and there’s parts that I can’t stand to read. I hate Jack’s character and the fact that he’s gotten a lot of facetime in the ‘Great Fables Crossover’ volume makes it nigh unreadable. Also he basically rapes someone and it’s played for a joke. I have never experienced a scene where I felt my respect for a writer plummet at terminal velocity before. I’m still giving it a chance (just like most seem to be) but I think this is a sign that it’s time to move on. Maybe I’m just confused. The first 75 issues of the comic (11 volumes from my perspective) were charming, and I blew through those because I just loved reading them and I wanted to know what came next. I’m finding volume 13 a struggle, the charm has left the series and it’s not clear if it will ever return.

For the miscelanea portion of these posts, things continue to be alright. I mean, they’re moving forward slowly and that’s all I can ask for really. I have time to write, I have a cozy nest to sleep in, I’m getting my year done and my flashbacks are few and far between. I’ve been chatting on Skype with a fabulous trans woman (who started a blog) and we’ve really been able to help each other out. I like that I can help her get motivated to get in shape and become a bit more comfortable with who she is. She helps me by allowing me a safe, slow paced environment to heal, especially heal my submissive side which took a cataclysmic blow. I like those kinds of friendships. Also she can do Dommy headgames amazingly well. I find it interesting in finding out that she read this blog before we met, it’s flattering. Also I like it. If writing this not only helps me psychologically, but also leads to me meeting new and interesting people (like it has a couple times now) then I’m happy.

I’m also looking for a kickboxing club, although it’s a bit slow going. Think I’m still working up the courage to do this with other people, or maybe I’ve just been distracted. I think I’ll finish my year before pressing into any sort of real ring training though. Won’t be long. I’ve noticed that it’s bleeding into my writing, Tatjyana seems to know exactly what a cross and snap kick is.

So, got a few exams coming up, going to the gym tomorrow and will hopefully get some writing done. Met a new friend, healing gradually and getting work done. All in all, I’m feeling alright. So I’m going to go watch Day[9] talk StarCraft as he’s covering mass Queen builds in ZvZ which is my worst match-up (I dominate ZvP though, so it evens out a bit).

Also, happy new moon!

Ciao for now,
- Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: Alan Moore, Day9, Fables, kickboxing, Starcraft, The Lady General, University, Watchmen
Filed under: Jade's Diary, The Lady General

Lacking on the first of the month updates, but I’m here now and figured I’d write about what’s up. Figure I’ll cover the updates on PTSD, then projects, and finally go into a bit about how I identified my weakness and my thoughts on it (related to superstimuli mentioned earlier).

The very good news is that I think I’ve reached the end of what I can do with my current therapist who was helping me through this. Brilliant, because while I still have some healing to do, I feel I’ve gotten a good grasp on it. Going to the gym with increasing regularity and intensity took care of many many things and I feel like I understand PTSD now, and the symptoms continue to lessen. I figure I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and I’ll be good; and incredibly healthy to boot. Oh, also a friend of the family in the US says she’ll personally bail me out if I get Tatjyana-esc revenge on who did this, coupled with Daddy being friends with the police I should be good. Although I’m happy moving on.

Summer seems to have come early and I have no qualms about that. The sunlight is amazing, I keep saying that but it’s true. I thrive in the heat, and that’s exactly what I’m getting. Part of me thinks having a flower on my back might have some strange effect on my relationship with sunlight, but so is being Pagan (long hard winters…). On the tattoo front, I’m slathering on some SPF70 every morning so it should be well protected. Thinking about getting another one this summer to commemorate the trials and triumphs of the last year, but we’ll see. I want to get a lioness on my upper left chest, but haven’t found a design that I really want. So since I’m on the fence, I think I’ll hold off. But certainly I know I want something there, done in the same all black negative space style to match my marque.

The movie about me, which I don’t talk about a lot, is still in production. Hopeful about the new script (we got a new script writer) but she asked really interesting questions that I wasn’t asked before and I take that as a good sign. Questions like: “Who do you wish you had at the time?” and about my online life when I was very young. Also it’s in my renewed contract that I have more control over the final draft of the project, and having that is fantastic. I am optimistic though, the writer is very nice and she boxes as a bonus. Also, wherever this project goes, I’m just glad I got to meet some great people along the way.

Finally, as you can see in the post below, I did a shiny little map of Kolybel. I’ve been meaning for months to make a map, and one that’s somewhat on scale as it helps with writing. The Lady General takes place during a Victorian period, so travel can be limited. They don’t have airliners, there’s only one zeppelin in the world and steam power is still rudimentary. It’s a huge help to let me map out all the locations (and the map will be added to, or at least the one on my file) that when referencing or judging realistic travel times, I can just refer to it. Because naturally as Tat explores the world (or at least the area in proximity to the Trinity Ocean for now) it helps to keep the geography in mind. Also, it looks really neat and I spent hours on it. Below is the product of many hand sketches, pen outlining, scans and small calculations. Oh, I get to play Goddess when I world build. Like not have me as a Goddess, but it’s fun to sit down and create a world, with a (buried) history, and people, and cities, and cool Victorian stuff in it.

It’s also nice to just world build. It’s the reason why I chose Kolybel instead of a re-imagined Earth, I wanted the freedom to just create. I just prefer it, it lets me alter the geography to suit my needs. Also, I can create a lot to play with in this novel, the next, and just the little stories of my mind. I’ll add deserts, forests, major mountain ranges, valleys when I figure out how to make it look nice on the map. In a large part it’s a world that needs to be re-discovered, and just being able to control the geography helps me tell that story. I particularly use the three super-continents to show how society treats each one. Norden and Tsentr being the major ones, with Verloren being “that mudball” who’s going to surprise them all. Oh, also on that subject, between the City of Stal and The Seed runs an underground railroad (literally, it’s a steam locomotive) that will set the stage for some heroism. The City of Stal in general is unlike anything seen on Kolybel, and it’s a lot of fun to play with Krone which buries their poor and is very much Victorian (aside from the burying the poor and small quirks). Stal, is going into steampunk territory and it’s so dark and twisted. Where the most brilliant minds of the city and surrounding area are enslaved in the Stal court’s efforts to expand influence and power across the globe.

You’ll notice a lot of names on that map are translations of basic words (Crown = Krone) that reflect that various areas, this is more or less just because it’s a nice way to get interesting sounding names. Also, they are consistent. Tsentr uses German/ Spanish/ French and English names. Norden is Celtic/ Russian and East-European. Verloren is a grab bag, with some original place names and themes. The Paradise Archipellago will be mostly Middle-Eastern/ African, with some English influence.

Something I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned: On the subject of my online life when I was young. I discovered BDSM when I was 12 because I was using the net to figure out what I was, found forced feminization fetish stuff. I haven’t told many this, but I got that confused with transsexuality (because I never heard of transsexuality before) and for the longest time who I was became a fetish. Like, I love BDSM and did so back then (and all along my childhood) so that part really appealed to me, I just was convinced the only way I could transition was to do so in a crossdressing/ transvestite fetish way. It led to a lot of confusion. Even at the age of 12, I led an online life as a 24 year old woman in BDSM chat rooms (very successfully) and I did that until the stress got to me years later (16ish). When I came out as a transsexual, I really ignored my real fetishes (masochism, submission, riding crops) because I felt ashamed of it. It would take me three more years to realize that being a woman was who I was, and I just happened to be a woman into BDSM and that I wasn’t transitioning for some fetish. Actually since then I Dommed and led a couple people with actual crossdressing/ forced fem fantasies online and actually, I think that was an important thing to do. It was actually kinda fun to take control like that. Funny how much control matters when I’m recovering from things.

It did leave a few interesting developmental things as I saw the world through a BDSM lens from the beginning. It took me years to figure out that when people said “He has a mistress.” they meant he was having an affair and wasn’t some sub. Hey, in the end, do what you love. I just sorta wish that what a transsexual was is explained at an earlier age, it would have saved me a lot of confusion.

Seems like this is going to be a BDSM related post, actually. I wanted to comment about something myself and a friend have reflected on. I think I’m still processing it but… I know that no matter how strong I am, no matter what I want to do and no matter how good things go; if I am offered a gilded cage I will take it. It’s a weakness that I’m starting to understand. I mentioned this earlier, but it helps to say again, as it explains quite a bit actually. It’s like when it comes up, I can just feel a part of me take charge and it’s an unusual physical and mental “want” is how I can describe it. It’s one of those things that you can just feel all around, it’s kinda like how I haven’t had a proper masochistic experience in 6 months and my experiences coupled with my tattoo were addict forming and amazing. I need to recover, find someone who I can trust and get back there. Before I run into someone I cannot.

It’s just strange, I know that everyone has a weakness whether they know it or not. Kinda like an MMO addiction, if WoW inflicted physical pain while you did dailies. On the WoW note, I quit last October and haven’t had any desire to return since. Woo! Or, I’m trying to think of other weaknesses. Phobias are coming to mind, but there must be something that an individual has that they have a complete weakness for, even if at times they can’t stand that fact. They’re not coming to me, but think about it. What’s yours? Maybe I’m just nuts but from what I’ve been gathering, everyone has a weakness/ super stimuli (I love that term). It’s late, leave a comment here with your weakness so I can exploit it when my brain works again.

It’s not all bad though, that part of me loves giving in and the pain. I learned something. While the pain might still hurt like fuck, I mean it’s far from feeling like you’re having sex and it really hurts; but a part of you is enthralled by it and wants more. That’s the most interesting thing I learned about masochism, how during it’s torture, but there’s still that part of you that keeps you there and keeps you coming back. Many times looking forward to it, despite what’s coming. I don’t know, I just think that’s interesting. My tattoo, fucking hurt, my spinal cord got hundreds of thousands of needles in it. But I was still laying there in a pool of sweat and drool making odd noises akin to “mrrrrr…” and now could go back into the tattoo artist’s chair any time. I think that’s what I like, masochism highs are so unlike sex, but they can still lead to some amazing experiences.

There’s also an interesting by-product of me writing this blog. It’s obvious that I feel most comfortable when my cards are on the table, in any situation. I don’t keep secrets, I got tired of that years ago. I have realized though that this blog, given that it’s the Jade n’ Jade show presented by Jade; is an archive of information on me. I realize that two people have used it in different ways. Once for good, I met a new friend. I just realize that it’s sorta easy to get in my head and that leaves me with some to think about. I guess I just figure when people talk about online privacy they talk about stalking or identity theft, nothing like knowing how to manipulate you. And here I am still writing all of this… It’s interesting.

Alright, from this, it’s obvious that despite getting into kickboxing and becoming much stronger; I’m still a sub. I can’t deny my nature. I still am ashamed of it believe it or not, thinking back to what happened, I really can’t believe how badly I wanted that. I Domme sometimes, but as is clear from the above, I have a weakness that I’ve had my entire life; and I can’t deny it. Lately, no matter how ashamed I was about what I did, no matter how far I ran from it, all it took was one or two people and that part of my brain became active as easily as it ever has. At a point, and sometimes I think I’m sick, and that I should do something to remove that part of me. I don’t know, I doubt it would work. You know that feeling, that mental tick that some can/ know exactly how to key into and disarm every defense you have with it. And you won’t fight it. It’s just a curious thing.

Hey at least life and the mind are interesting. Also, in the end, I don’t think it’s particularly negative. I just think that I need to focus on good people, recovery and finding healthy outlets. It is frustrating, the two times in my life when I’ve given in and indulged in that submissive side, it’s ended very badly. It’s a bit difficult in that respect, but I’ll find the people I’m looking for. Hey, until then, certainly not giving up the kickboxing (still dreaming of competing) and working out or any of the control I’ve taken back. Fuck, I know that my nature isn’t a sign of weakness (different context from the weakness used before). Besides, my body looks incredible. My core has definition, my biceps are more than twice as large as they were, my back looks strong and I just feel strong all over. I’ll be the most kick-ass unbreakable amazon who just has a masochistic/ submissive mental tick. Should be interesting!

Alright, lets see what June has to offer.

Ciao for now,
- Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: BDSM, kickboxing, The Lady General, Transsexuality
Filed under: Jade' Kinks, Jade's Diary

I made this over the last couple of hours. It’s very basic and far from completed, but if you’d like a peek at what Kolybel (the world of The Lady General) looks like, take a look! It’s a large image, so zoom into see the finer details and city names. At the moment I’m just focused on the very basics, so more to come. The size of the map is exactly Earth’s size, for a sense of scale.

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: Jade Castillo, The Lady General
Filed under: The Lady General

Thought I’d make a special post now that I have energy again. Last Sunday (May 30th) my mother became ordained as a United Church minister! I had the privilege of coming along and being part of the ceremony. Basically it was a normal church service, coupled with the ordination of seven candidates and coupled with communion and a reception. Thought I’d give a brief write up as it was a lovely and interesting ceremony.

Essentially, we arrived and got lunch in a restaurant before the main event. I was dressed in my black sundress (laces up the back, ties up right above my ass, shows off a lot of leg but I wrote a long black skirt underneath) and black leather boots (just back from being repaired and polished). My mother was wearing a white robe, which the name escapes me of (and my Googlefu failed). Because it was a formal religious occasion I wore my antique Italian key (symbol of The Goddess Cybele) and my hair up (Gallae tradition). It was hot, like 30 deg and very sunny out. The church was off in a small town about two hours outside of Toronto and was quite large and had a beautiful sanctuary. The sanctuary held hundreds, and it was the first major crowd I’ve been in since taking a break from university.

I got to meet the other people being ordained and relax a bit before the ceremony. Mom was pretty nervous but that’s totally to be expected, this was the culmination of a decade of work. Then with the other person who I was with (a friend of my mother’s) we followed her and the other candidates down the path to the altar and took a seat at the front of the -packed- cathedral. And holy shit was it hot. When I spoke about suffering for worship, mission accomplished. The ceremony would be two hours in 30 deg heat coupled with having hundreds of warm human bodies all packed like sardines. Not ritualistic castration, but it was something.

The sermon caught me off guard. It wasn’t written what it was on the order of service what it would be about. I’m not sure how many people really got it, but I remember my mother looking back to me with an odd look when the minister began talking about the Goddess Sophia. The minister focused on wisdom She represents, but the minister stated that Sophia was there as God arrived (explicitly stated God did not create Her) and Sophia gave birth to the Earth. For a United Church or any Christian denomination to dedicate time to talking about the Goddess Sophia, coupled with saying everything about Her and stopping just short of calling Her a Goddess… It was amazing. Also she spoke of how the ministers being ordained should look to Her for wisdom and guidance in the coming years, makes my “Go with the Goddess” encouragement earlier take on a new meaning. Also for me, the Cybeline to sit in a Christian ceremony and listen to the Christian minister talk about an aspect of the Goddess… If I ever doubted that She was not with me and didn’t have a sense of humour, I shall do so no more. Unfortunately then the minister went on talking about desire for fifteen minutes and the reality of how hot it was returned and I think that the part about Sophia passed over a lot of people’s heads.

The ordination itself was pretty cool, for two reasons. First, the first trans woman minister in Canada was ordained, and it was awesome. It’s a shame that people were so timid about clapping at first (people clapped progressively more and more for each candidate) and that most people might not be aware of the significance; because a standing ovation is really in order. She deserves it, and holy shit history being made! Second, Mom was up third (after a woman who I wished would drag me to the basement to play ‘torture the Pagan heathen’, a very fun game) and I went up with her friend behind her. Basically she kneels at an altar, and we put our hands on her head. This is where I did my best and succeeded in putting my touching difficulties aside more and it went really well. A blessing was said, she got a bible and everyone clapped and cheered. It was a big moment and I was proud to be there.

Then the ceremony continued with an awesome Irish man (I’m fairly certain he’s Irish, copper red hair and similar stature) sang about ancient love and faith (The Goddess is coming…) and he was amazing. Really talented, gorgeous tone, had a lot of enthusiasm. Probably the best Church singing I’ve ever heard. Oh, and we also had a man give a prayer in Korean, and I totally recognized some of those words. I don’t know what they meant, but the entire sound of the language felt really familiar from hours spent listening to Korean speech. I just kinda liked that, even if I still can’t actually understand or speak Korean.

I will say here that while polytheism has moral grounds to enjoy and learn about other faiths (especially my laying on hands, as that was done for my mother); I did not partake in every ritual. Also the polytheistic stance seems to even extend to monotheistic faiths, including Christianity which was responsible for the murder of Her priestesses and the bastardization of Pagan ritual. That will be sorted in time; but the people there didn’t force any priestesses to commit suicide and it was important, so it was fine. Just wasn’t comfortable taking part in communion or singing the lines about Jesus/God being the lord and saviour. God’s cool with me, and eternal lover of the Goddess, but I answer to the Mother and not the Father. Just thought I’d clarify my stance on different faiths: Love to be a part of them when I’m welcome, great people, I just don’t take part in particularly strong aspects of the faith.

The service wrapped up at two hours length with more songs and the blessing to go out into the world. Then we went down to a cold basement, along with hundreds (causing cold basement’s heat to skyrocket) and said our congratulations. It was tiring and difficult, but I managed to shake a lot of hands and it was really cool to see some people I haven’t seen in years. I like that. Religion bringing people together, strengthening community. One of the best things it does well. I admitted to an uncle that I was Pagan and he joked that I shouldn’t have been allowed in the ceremony, and that my people would probably torture me ritualistically for doing so. I replied not quite jokingly, “And it would be fun!” Mom signed a couple books (‘Parting Gifts’ by Anne Hines, on sale now!) and that was all. Aside from one of her classmates who was becoming a minister the next week being absolutely gorgeous, tall and very friendly to talk to. She stood out from the crowd and I admit I developed a small crush, certainly had no qualms going with her to track down my mother when we lost her for a moment. Oh, also someone complimented my tattoo, mission accomplished.

It  did destroy me, though. Like I said, I still am getting used to touching and crowds and the dense and prolongued exposure to humanity just took it out of me. I’m really glad that I was there and a part of my mother’s ordination, but it was difficult. I love that I was wearing my key, when I got stressed or scared I could just wrap my hand around it (hanging around my neck) and know She was with me. Certainly She made it known during the service… Yes, a Pagan took part in the ordination of a Christian minister. We’re on the inside, vengeance will be our- Moving along…

I got home, talked to a friend before she had to sleep and went to dilate and shower. Basically after the shower I fell into my bed at 10:30 and slept for 14 solid hours. I didn’t get much sleep before, for reasons which I’ll cover soon; so everything combined just sapped me of everything. The good news is that I woke up the next afternoon, got up and went to the gym (and tired myself out again) and that basically brought me here, writing this post. It’s been a long two days, and I loved every moment of ‘em. Life continues tomorrow.

Congratulations Mom!

- Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: Anne Hines, Christianity, Cybele, Parting Gifts, Sophia, The Great Goddess
Filed under: Cybeline Faith, Jade's Diary