While this reading break hasn’t exactly meant me getting any real work done, either side projects or one of the five essays due in short order; it has been interesting. I’ve been trying to fight feelings of isolation, and am still somewhat unsure about what to do now after things fell through with my original plans. It seems to be working. In another gradual move forward, I’ve started paying more attention to my appearance. The biological components are pretty much done, so now it’s a matter of finalizing a style and learning to do make-up, which is going alright. I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it but I will, starting small before I work up to things more dramatic. It’s  alright, starting to get more of an interest in it. I think what held me back so long was worry of falling into the tranny stereotype of applying too much or doing it wrong (people forget that we didn’t have hours as young girls to practice this stuff).

I also wanted to do a Mass Effect 2 review, but while writing it out I realized that I don’t have much more to say that hasn’t already been said. It’s a fun game, kept me up late nights wanting to know what happened next (an endless cycle up until the climax), most of the characters are cool, Jennifer Hale as female Shepard is great (and it’s a shame all the marketing uses the default human state of male). However the scanning for resource sections are as tedious as they sound and the story suffers from ‘second in the trilogy’ syndrome but has a fairly solid opener despite (the ending kinda fell apart and brought less resolution than the first).  It’s a solid game, had great voice acting, the textures and visuals were extremely polished, the load times were very much improved and I had fun with the combat despite it wearing a bit thin by the end. I also liked how they did away with the inventory system, I hated the inventory system of the first game. But other than that I don’t have much to say on it, it’s the kinda game that made me think “Yes, I had fun and the experience was great but that’s about it.” In the end it is still the second in the trilogy, more polished than the first but until they really start explaining and wrapping things up I just feel like I’m hanging on for part 3. Oh, I will say that despite a brilliant end game, the final boss was greatly uninspired, out of place and its form made no goddamn sense if you think about it. But Harbinger’s last little move was kinda cool and a little sad for the bug thing. I just wish they did more with Harbinger in general, you didn’t get to know it like Sovereign. I really wish I didn’t have the beginning spoiled for me shortly before I played, I was so good at avoiding spoilers. Last thing, Samara’s loyalty mission was pretty hot.

A friend did have a wonderful idea (and this is a big shift in gears) which I’ve been trying to research and follow up on. It revolved around one of the few Cybeline websites was taken down, and I mentioned I had found the Google cache to back the pages up (all except for my favourite section oddly). She mentioned that it might be a good idea to write a book about Cybeline history, practice, and on how things were to create a more concrete record. There are academic and subjective texts out there studying the Cult of Cybele, but the interpretations can be off (particularly when discussing the Gallae) and this idea takes things a little farther. It might be over ambitious, but I want to see if I can write the second half of the book on re-legitimizing and modernizing the religion for 2010 (or 2055 for when my projects are likely to finish). I’ve always thought there is a hidden blessing in no longer being the dominant ideology/ religion/ culture/ nation, in that it allows time to reflect on what happened, what still works and what needs to be re-imagined/ interpreted as to bring worship into the 21st century. So part of this project will focus on that topic. However, despite having read everything I can get my hands on, I’m still not as knowledgeable as I need to be, and there’s quite a bit more research and debate to be done. Also, I want part of this book to stem from a pilgrimage. So, someday in the near future (3-5 years perhaps) I’ll need to hit the Mediterranean and go into the heart of Pagan Goddess worship, probably start in Egypt (every area worshiped a different aspect of the Goddess, Cybele being one of those aspects) and work my way over until I’m at Phrygian Hill (the center of Cybele’s worship and greatest temple, which was burned to the ground). Might be interesting to do it as a form of helping the cause, and to write something non-fiction. Not sure when writing will begin, But I have gone back to a few books on my shelves and am studying them in greater depth, I’m terrible with names and there’s a lot of history to learn. Additionally ‘Aspect’ is a term I need to use in future works regarding ‘The Lady General’…

I did get out to see a few shows lately, which is always nice. First a belly dancing show put on by a studio which I’m planning on taking lessons at (as soon as I get up the courage, but I’m thinking Friday). I had a lot of fun at that, nights out at the theater are one of my favourite things. Especially nice conversation and red wine at intermission. Generally I feel in my element, and when the show is great, and the company is interesting and the wine is good, I’m happy. Saw Carmen last night as well, after a day of running around trying to find something to wear. I was successful in the end, went with a long satin black skirt which would go great with a leather corset for an elegant Domme look, a pair of black leather boots with a 4″ heel (I seem to be going up. Two pairs ago it was 1″, then 2″ and now 4″. One more pair and I’m into fetish territory) and a violet top which is difficult to describe. I’m sure there’s a style where it wraps up around my neck and ties up in the back, then falls over my chest, but I don’t know what it’s called. I just know what I like, usually I’m not entirely sure what it’s called. Also I got a violet very formal dress for very special occasions. When I saw it I fell in love and with luck it fit perfectly. Totally couldn’t afford it, but my father was kind enough to cover the expense.

Carmen was an interesting opera. Firstly I got to see the context of all the music I’ve heard throughout my life, and that was pretty neat. I had no idea that Jose stabs Carmen at the end, even if you can feel it coming. (No spoiler warning, it premiered in 1875) Which made me feel a bit conflicted. It made sense, but it was a tragedy to see Jose fall so far. The entire opera seemed to revolve around a woman who was in love with the idea of love more than lovers themselves, and a man who simply could not understand. Or perhaps the strength of Jose’s love for Carmen became too strong, something she did not expect. Perhaps she did, there was the scene where Carmen’s fortune is told and she is convinced that their deaths were coming, which explains why she didn’t run when she had the chance. That was curious, the point that she could not escape it. Perhaps that’s why Jose showed up at the arena instead of going home to his mother, fate wouldn’t allow peaceful resolution to the Jose’s entanglement in a woman well known for her manipulation and rapid turnover of lovers. But I don’t think this was a story about Carmen’s mistakes, if that makes sense. I suppose you could read into it as “she got what was coming to her” (which is insulting from a human and feminist perspective). But maybe Carmen’s abilities to have any man fall in love with her was a curse which simply eventually caught the wrong man. Not to excuse Jose, he did decide to stab her. They both seemed unwilling to run from the course of events. I suppose I’m looking for the theme of the show. Perhaps it has to do with the line “Try to trap love and it will run from you. Run from love and it will trap you.” and in the end it seemed like a cruel climax to Carmen whose desires and enjoyment of love itself couldn’t be tolerated in a world where it is less about love and more about the lover
which was seen as important. Perhaps Jose was trying to trap Carmen’s love and in the end it ended up consuming him. I am not entirely sure if I am making sense, but if I find a simpler way to say it I will edit this post.

These shows have also been a great way to fight the isolation I’ve felt lately. So I’ll need to make more of an effort to just get out there and do something I love and talk to new and interesting people during the intermissions. For all the progress though, I still feel a need to return to the ‘nest’ (my apartment) and relax afterward, sometimes it can be stressful and I’m still getting better at the whole social thing. I still can’t pick up on hints and clues that people give about true intentions unless someone beats me over the head with it. I’ve also started poking around Facebook some more and trying Reddit’s Chatroulette for when I’m bored. I’ve actually met a few cool people there too, amidst all the “Holy shit a girl!” college and high school kids. Although I don’t really mind that either… Got into a long chat with some guy dressed as a ninja, I think we were chatting for at least two hours. Interesting experiment that thing is.

Back to the nerdy side of me, I haven’t gotten a StarCraft II beta key and that makes me very sad. But despite having shifted my focus to StarCraft for the past couple weeks, my Street Fighter IV skills haven’t suffered much. I just had to work a little bit to get my technique for hitting someone out of the air with a flaming kick after an EX Seismo back, but that only took about five minutes of practice. I’ve got a few higher difficulty combos down, I just need to learn how to open them up when I’m fighting a good opponent. Also I haven’t seen a PC version of Super SFIV announced, and that also makes me sad.

So, that’s me at the moment. Doing fairly well. Still not quite sure what to do with the few hundred photos of myself, but the below post has a few. Either way, I’m going to try and be productive now (or watch pro-SC).

Ciao for now!

- Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: Carmen, Cybele, Mass Effect, Starcraft, Street Fighter IV, The Great Goddess, Transsexuality
Filed under: Cybeline Faith, Jade's Diary, Transsexuality