So StarCraft is really, really hard… *sighs* Ah well, trying not to get discouraged. Signed up for a Reddit Tournament, also tried to get a proper stream up by the audio wants to feedback or go mute, and never produce anything normal. Oh well. Switched from Terran to Protoss, doing slightly better; but I just went 0 and 15 on ICCUP and that’s not exactly encouraging. (SC2 I want to play Zerg, they’re so cool) I say if I win a single match in my group stage then I’m going to call it victory. Or if I actually manage to pressure I’ll call it a victory… If I manage to set up and defend my natural expo I’ll say I’ve improved. At least I got practice in today. The way I think about it is that right now I’m playing better than I ever have, so at least I have that. Even if I haven’t met anyone playing worse than me yet. Still, it is a bit depressing, today I mostly tried but failed to get things done. Maybe I’m feeling worn out, not sure if it’s coming through at the moment.

I do have some good news in something that I’m actually good at (and apparently very good at if my essay marks are to be believed) and that’s writing. For the full moon on the 30th I decided to write (doing something different every time) and it went remarkably well. I think I got the edit of the first chapter that I’m happy with. Also got some great encouragement right when I was going through a “I’LL NEVER BE A WRITER” phase which happens about once every couple of months depending. I do have the thought in my mind that I wish I could write pulp fiction and erotica as a way of making money. It’s fun, and I would love to sit down and just write all day; but I don’t think those magazines are still going unfortunately. Sounds like it would be difficult, but the idea is appealing; besides, it’s about the best thing I do at the moment and maybe I just need to focus what I can do after massive loosing streaks in both nerdy pursuits. Or maybe it’s because someone read Tatjyana and Reyna’s sex scene and suggested I write erotica and it sounded like a cool idea. Two pre-operative transsexual women was a lot of fun to write. Future career aside, opener to ‘The Lady General’ is for the first time in a state which I’m very happy with. If you’re interested I’ll send a copy, always like it when someone reads my work.

Fortunately I have a few essays coming up, so those will be some quick mark boosters in class. And my mother passed her final interview to become a Minister (United Church) so that was wonderful news. But I worry they’ll place her way outside of Toronto, I’d miss her a lot. We have lunch every Wednesday where we get to chat about everything, and I get to drink wine and I don’t see her as much as I used to. I eat occasionally with my father as well, it’s pretty nice even if some nights we don’t have much to talk about, but on the nights we do it’s great and it is nice to eat something other than eggs, bacon, pasta, bagels, soup, oooh but I did find this great burrito place near my campus… 11 dollar burrito, totally worth it.

Alright, maybe I don’t have much focus tonight. I suppose that kinda sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. Just starting projects, waiting on that disc of photos (not sure how many I’m going to post, but would be nice to have) and mostly just trying to do some things, trying to learn some things… Not entirely successful but the Reddit guys are great in helping me. Need to figure out a way to meet more women… At least I know what I’m looking for now, that makes the urgency subside quite a bit.

I did learn something about my pain tolerance that I had forgot to mention earlier. A woman I’ve known for years gave me some insights a year ago, that suddenly made sense. We were discussing masochist interests, relationships and she told me that I had a ‘slave’s heart’. It sounded very sweet and romantic, but I didn’t really

understand it until the two nights I was at the club. The first time, I was tortured and -loved- it. I think I went through the entire time and afterward was riding a brilliant high. It was the night when I got my first taste and things went so well. The other night, I pulled out after ten minutes of things going easy on me; the night I was so emotionally unbalanced and feeling suddenly disconnected. I wonder if my pain tolerance is related to how connected I feel with the Dom, and how stable my emotions are. Now, pain is probably not the entirety of what this woman was talking about, but it gave evidence and makes me wonder, when I love someone how far will I go, as opposed to when I feel disconnected to someone. Truthfully, recently I have felt no need for random pain (well, an interest, a wanting to indulge in that again and feel what I felt again is there; but not as binding as it once was) but who knows, when I find that particular Domme… It should be interesting. I wonder how this sounds, I do worry, but I knew from day 1 that I was going in this to feel connected to someone and find someone to grow close with. Maybe it’s letting my emotions rule me, despite all the progress I’ve made I cannot shut them out and when they run hot then I still feel powerless at times… *sighs* But, is it wrong to be into BDSM and wish to share it with someone who loves you and whom you love? Perhaps I’m just rambling. ‘The Slave’s Heart’ would be a good title for a novel.

It can be disheartening, you start to worry if it’s something you’re doing. I can relate very well to other people once I get to know them, it’s just figuring each other out. I’ve been told I can be intimidating, or it takes time for people to ‘figure you out’ by someone close. *shrugs* Well, maybe there’s a StarCraft gathering on campus somewhere… I doubt there’s a BDSM club, maybe I should start one…

So, February… Usually my most hated month, but we’ll see. I am doing well, truthfully. I am playing StarCraft and Street Fighter better than I ever have in my life at the moment. I’m getting back to writing The Lady General and even developing the sequel. I’m thinking… a tragic fairytale with Tat’s first heterosexual romance and possibly a wedding… Along with Xavier struggling in the new world order and Catriona growing up, Lorelei’s redemption, Reyna’s isolation and her complex relationship with Tatjyana… As for The Lady General itself, Tatjyana and Xavier’s bond strengthens, Tatjyana’s identity to be fleshed out, a feminist uprising, an intellectual uprising, a religious rebirth, a lot of lesbian sex, a lot of blood, a lot of knives, Tatjyana being captured by Reyna as their relationship continues to change and be twisted about; I don’t clearly know what Reyna’s motivations are yet (I have an idea) but I know that if you took away the external factors that she and Tatjyana could really love each other (Holy crap run on sentence! It’s late, forgive me)… It is fun to develop, I just get overwhelmed when it comes to write; but when I do it’s a lot of fun… I just need to figure out how to start writing more, once I get the first paragraph the rest can flow so well.

Also I need to get back to the gym. I miss my muscle tone, but that’s another motivation thing. In February most of my thoughts are of warm showers and sleeping, but we’ll see if this month is any different. The winter has been mercifully mild.

Oh, also I managed to use the photo of my back to make my tattoo into a (fairly decent considering the source) icon.

I leave you with a YouTube video which makes the Scottish lass in my heart sing. I really need to go to Scotland someday… I heard my lineage gives me the ability to crash in on the Frasier clan castle.

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: BDSM, Starcraft, Tattoo, The Lady General
Filed under: Jade' Kinks, Jade's Diary, Starcraft