I think I’m doing alright, certainly better than I was. It’s been a while since I covered anything not particularly nerdy, if for some reason you subscribe to the Jade n’ Jade Show (presented by Jade) first, thanks for reading; second, sorry for the nerdy StarCraft bit. It’s out of my system now, I’ve hit the post-finals stage where I won’t follow things so stringently until the Shinhan Proleague enters its final weeks.

I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve done my little therapy bit on this blog, and truthfully a lot has been happening. It is just that, it has been hard to put into words. I got hurt, and hurt badly. I had someone say among various things “No woman would want you because you’re a tranny.” to my face along with being made fun of for my sexuality, and it was a sign to get as much distance between myself and that scene as possible. It was BDSM related, I wonder if I should just do what I always do, stick to the world I know best and find the people whom I care about in my current community. Certainly they are out there, as I am, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

It took me a long while to shake that. I did not need to be made fun of for my sexuality, it has taken me fucking years to become comfortable with being a lesbian. I’ll admit, being a transsexual trumps lesbian in the social taboos, but for a long time it still bothered me. I couldn’t shake the idea of marrying a guy out of university, settling down, adopting kids. I want to marry, and I want to have a child one day, but I know that I would not be happy with a man… so why did I want that fantasy? Why do I still sorta want it… Suppose being a woman and second-class citizen, on top of being a second-class woman kinda gets to you after a while; I get attention from men, that part of life shouldn’t be difficult. But my heart lies with a woman. I am a lesbian, and I can’t deny that. I have loved a man before, and still do, but this is exactly the reason why it did not work in the end.

Certainly I did not need to hear that no woman would want me because I’m a tranny on top of that. Fucking hell. I know he reads this blog, so I resisted it until now; he was… well, at times kind and at times clearly trying to isolate me. I learned a lot and had great times, but it was clearly not where I needed to be. It hurt, and I have carried that mental recording with me for over a month now. If he was trying to isolate me, it didn’t work, that’s the line that helped me make up my mind to leave. Besides, if no woman would want me there, it’s clearly not a place to be looking for love. So really he might have done me a huge favour in saving me some time… But it stung, I know that I’m proudly a transsexual on this blog, and I still consider it a badge of fucking courage to have made it this far… but it is difficult. People say I’m beautiful, and I can see why; but I really can’t shake the times when I still worry about being masculine, or knowing that people will look at my past and judge my looks, my intelligence, my personality, everything; solely on that one facet of my existence. I’ll always be a tranny, I do not however have to put up with hearing how it’ll make me lonely. It isn’t true, and I know it is not. It just, I’ve been in love with a couple women; and I still am with one. It won’t happen for a number of reasons, but one of which I do worry about is because she might see me as less of a woman. So you can see how having someone tell me no woman would want me to my face not only made me feel ‘othered’, but it was oddly heartbreaking by proxy. Now, truthfully I am sure this woman does care for me and I do trust her; but I didn’t need to have the little nagging doubt fed.

I did, however, do something to pull myself out of the depression I felt. I had received a gift of an hour of time with a photographer. I had that hour session yesterday. It went extremely well, and oddly I felt my confidence just come flooding back. And I have not seen the full results yet, just little samples on the LCD of her camera; the disc with the full shoot should be here in about a week. Now, the story with this shoot was that I basically had an hour with a professional photographer. My mother, who gave me the gift, told me explicitly that this woman would “shoot anything”. So on the day of the shoot, I brought a couple outfits including my priestess regalia (white satin dress, jewelry, violet and gray shawl), gray long skirt and tank, leather collection and the like over and she was a lot of fun right off the bat. I had never done anything close to modeling before, aside from posing in the mirror when my hair looked particularly fantastic, so it was a new experience. Although, that said, I learned that modeling basically has me wearing cute outfits while a photographer tells me how to move and how to stand, it’s basically like rapid fire orders to be followed and I liked that. I think I really got the hang of it about ten minutes in.

Of course, then I had to ask if I could recreate the cover of a fantasy novel I happen to like. It’s just a little thing, ‘Kushiel’s Dart’ by Jacqueline Carey, you might have heard me mention it before. I got a small tattoo or something based on it before, no biggie. So I stripped off my bra and tank top, and we started doing topless shots. I was really excited, and I don’t think we ever did a perfect representation, but we at least got pretty damn close. Who cares, even doing something like that pose (I really have to see the results on that section) was incredible fun. Also I got to be half naked in front of someone. I do want to see the results, I want to send Jacqueline Carey a photo of my tat for her gallery and maybe a small note about how much her work has meant to me. It is no small secret that I admire her writing, but was also very moved by her novels and… well ‘Kushiel’s Dart’ made me feel less alone in a time when I felt as if I had lost everything a few years back.

We continued to do topless shots for a while, trying different poses, looking different ways, adding motion, playing with my hair, trying to learn how to smile (something I never do, and am -really- self-conscious about) and it’s amazing how into it I got. I even loved the sound the camera and lights made when the flash went off. A very crisp, clean sound, I liked it. And I felt amazingly comfortable around this woman.

Now, there was a part when I was changing outfits, and (already being topless) I had to strip down to my leather boots and violet thong in the process. She was behind me and complimented me on my ass, asking if I wanted to do a couple shots like that. Now, I am a modest woman who would never think of taking so much clothing off in front of someone I had only known for a half hour. I told her immediately to stop objectifying me and that she should be ashamed. What do I look like, an exhibitionist? I most certainly did not say something to the extent of “Fuck yes” and spend a solid ten minutes in front of a black backdrop wearing nothing but a violet thong and leather boots; before taking the thong off and throwing it across the studio.

And I certainly did not spend most of the remainder of that time in nothing but leather heeled boots with my freshly shaven pussy on display, having the most fun this exhibitionist has had in a long while.

We did finish with me in my white satin dress, practicing curtsies for the camera and wearing my shawl proudly draped around my arms. I was sad to see the time end, and exhausted from all the posing. The posing was fun, especially when she told me to hold it completely and I got to play statue for about ten seconds.

I think what I needed was to feel comfortable with my body again. I won’t forget her looking over the nude shots and saying, “It looks like you have been carved out of alabaster.” (Yay for the Victorian-age compliment, I rather liked that) She also asked if she could show some of the shots to other photographers who did nude shots, and I said I’d
be more than happy if she wanted to. Truthfully, I don’t know why I like being naked in front of people, I just find it freeing. Perhaps it relates to why I don’t like wearing masks. Also, if I can blend in as a woman while wearing no make-up (I have only worn make-up once in my life, years ago) and completely naked; then there’s hope for my body image yet.  And the compliments were nice, the attention was nice, and as I mentioned, I really felt like it was a return to form. So, thank you to the photographer, I really really needed a pick-me-up. I walked out of there feeling fantastic, the shots coming in the mail sometime in the next couple weeks just seemed like a bonus. Much better than doing the bathroom mirror stuff I’ve been doing until now in terms of photos to have on hand. Also, black background + white skin + red hair = amazing contrasts. I got to see a couple shots, and the colours were remarkable.

Speaking of remarkable photos, I want to link one of someone whom I have never met. Simply because she is absolutely gorgeous, and the shot is incredible. Also because I have never seen muscular builds and femininity so perfectly (for lack of a better term) married. I think I have a crush. Also, when writing The Lady General, I finally have a beautiful body to help me focus on what Tatjyana looks like; Tatjyana being a very strong but very feminine and beautiful woman herself. There’s not enough women like that in the world. She won’t see this, but just in case: Congratulations! (Also I think you’re gorgeous)

So, as always, I need to get this out in the open and it’s been pent up for too long. Perhaps I just needed to set some distance, get some perspective and have some fun. I also know that prayer, meditation and communication with The Goddess Cybele helped quite a bit. It sounds silly, but I was so distraught about this before I made a special prayer, and I think it just helped me release a lot of the awful feelings. I can’t say it’s completely gone, but the photo shoot and prayer helped remarkably that I feel my confidence coming back in strides… Oddly I’d feel more comfortable being naked in front of someone, but this is good enough.

I’ll take a look at the disc when I get it, and probably at least update my profile pic and about page. Although it’s fairly easy to add a gallery… and it would discourage family members from reading this blog…

Have a wonderful night, all. I gotta go wash my hair because I’ve been working and blogging all night.

Ciao for now!

- Jade

posted by Jade Castillo
Tags: Cybele, Jacuqline Carey, Kushiel's Legacy, Starcraft, The Great Goddess, The Lady General, Transsexuality
Filed under: Cybeline Faith, Jade's Diary, Transsexuality