Anyone who reads this blog should know that I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and crowds are a huge triggering factor for that. Or at least, despite improving greatly over the last few months, my mind still sees a crowd and needs to protect me, needs to get me out of it and needs to run. And Yonge and Dundas (where my campus is) happens to be the busiest intersection in Canada. I hadn’t been to a class in six months so I was understandably nervous about returning. The subway wasn’t bad, I have a few days where I avoid rush hour, so I was doing alright. I hit Yonge and Dundas and go to get a coffee, the line at Tim Hortons is long but it moves really fast, so that’s alright.

In retrospect, I should have stopped and gave in to this. For some reason around Yonge and Dundas, I get a lot of attention. Often being singled out from the crowd. This might be because it’s a huge fashion area and I’m a slender and toned 6’4″ woman with incredible cheekbones. This might be because Yonge and Dundas attracts the most “interesting” collection of people I’ve ever seen. Probably one lead to the other. Anyways, to put some background on this, I was once out at a smoke break with two friends. As we talked (I don’t actually smoke aside from rare occasions, but I liked them and go out for the breaks) we noticed an oddly dressed man watching us from a window. At first we thought he was checking out the petite cute blonde friend (she was more of an acquaintance, so I truly don’t remember her name) but at the end of the break, he comes out and asks me, “You must be a model, are you? I’m a designer and I have an eye for this.” That made my day. Anyways, today (or now yesterday), small thing but I was passing a man who was asking people for a dollar. I was moving through the crowd so I was doing alright (more on this later) but was in a hurry. As I passed he asked me, “You’re a model, you must have a dollar.” It was a small thing, but it was sweet. I should have given him that dollar, and I’m keeping a looney in a coat pocket for if I ever see him again. If you’re reading this, sorry I was so stressed out that was a nice pick-me-up.

Anyways, I get to class and it was a beautiful room. Seven floors up, one wall was just glass all the way down and overlooking Yonge and Dundas. I got a seat at the side so I could look out over the crowds and class began. It was on Psychological Disorders, and in fact PTSD gets its own lecture, along with “Sexual Disorders” which could be Gender Dysphoria, might not. But I’m always curious as to what people teach about things that I know. Unfortunately, the class was about fifty people and filled up fast. I still had my little side seat, but I discovered that while moving through a crowd wasn’t too bad, being stationary in one brought back everything. I remember turning my head to look at the rest of the room and just feeling my anxiety spike, that I was trapped, in an unfamiliar room, with people who I didn’t know and my body just went into defensive mode.

However, I also learned that if I turned and looked out the window, at the distant crowds and people on the sidewalk, I at least calmed down a bit. I ended up working out a system where I’d look only at the professor’s podium for a short bit, then back out at the window. But catching glimpses of the crowd terrified me and at the break I quickly left and had to smack myself along the neck, pinch there to bring myself back into the moment. This got an odd look from a classmate, but she always looked at me weird. I calmed down enough, and endured the rest of the class. It was difficult, but I did it. It might have been still hard, still trying but six months ago I would not have been able to be there. So for that I am proud. I am not as proud in that when the class was dismissed, I realized that I must have been sitting at my place for a while. I wasn’t all in the moment and broke down, just started crying. My professor came over, and thank the Goddess, was sympathetic and helped talk me down. I told her a bit about how I have PTSD, and how while I’m attending class I just realized that it’s going to take some time. And that talking about psychological disorders kinda put it on my mind. Thankfully, she’s a PhD student on psychological disorders and was very knowledgeable and just we chatted briefly as I pressed my back against a wall until I could go.

The next part of the day was a bit tricky. I used to feed off the energy of a crowd, and when moving I’m alright. It’s just I couldn’t remain stationary. I had two hours between classes and didn’t feel like trekking back to my apartment so I decided to find a meal and a safe place on campus. I wanted to go to the Chipotle Grill ($11.75 for a burrito, totally worth it) but the line was out the door and it was a very stationary line. So I went to Harvey’s instead, got a bacon cheeseburger and headed for a place that I suspected of being ideal. On my way, the streets around campus were packed with students, bright sunny day. Even a really cute street performer dressed in an all white 1850′s French lady’s outfit who I wish I saw more of, but I just couldn’t stop. Also a lot of women on campus have tattoos, and I love seeing what other women have done. Some weren’t the most original or interesting, but I remember one design was simple but elegant and I wish I could remember more than it gave me pause.

I got into the Student Union building and the lobby and first floor was packed with students. I moved to the second floor, in a nice glass and concrete building and headed for a small lounge area. Actually it was quite large. It was surrounded by the Ryerson LGBT Pride Office (which is never open), the Women’s Center office (which is never open), the Racial Equality office (which is never open) and one more office whose function I was unsure of but was also never open. (I had gone there briefly before, but never stayed. However on every occasion not a single office was open) There was an outlet for my laptop and a square configuration of couches so I sat down on one and made myself at home. I was stressed, still a bit teary and my hair needed to be re-done but I remember taking out the burger and eating. And this might sound strange, but it was the best damn burger I ever ate. I think it was the stress, and finding tasty greasy comforting protean, carbs and fat. I remember I just relaxed and took time to enjoy.

For the next two hours I read through ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 1′ by Alan Moore. It was very entertaining, certainly wonderful escapism, I approve of Ms. Murray, however I felt like the ending came too abruptly. It seemed like they had a long weaving adventure going before “Oh shit, he was a villain all along. Better go kick his ass.” For the last book in the volume. It was still good, I just wish it took them one more book to arrive there. Although it says something if I feel like it was not quite long enough. I’ll certainly read volume 2 next week during that time.

I wish I went to the beer garden… Cheap beer would have been great especially since I’ve developed an inclination to drink $11 dollar cocktails. (Vodka and I made up after our fight back on New Years 2005 and subsequent four year silence, now were the bestest of friends) Anyways, with one more class to go, I was feeling a bit better and went to ‘Equality and Human Rights’. I believe they are in favour of them, but it’s only been one class so I’ll have to get back to you on that.

I actually used the coping mechanism I developed earlier. I picked a side seat, a little to the back and managed a bit better. I didn’t look at the crowd as much, and just focused on the prof and the wall. I did a bit better this time, despite the room being more claustrophobic and not as scenic. That was good, but the best part was when she explained our assignment that is in place of a final exam. We are supposed to take a photograph that is a strong example of the themes and message of the course. At first this sounded a bit difficult and I was drawing a blank, but then she said something very important. She said that “Despite the title, this class is about power. Power dynamics. In this classroom between you and me, and within society.” And if you have a mind like mine you know exactly what I’m going to do a photo of. We are also supposed to accompany it with a little write-up about why it’s an example of power dynamics and have it ready for presentation in the library. Now, even though I have people to help me with this in mind (if you wish to volunteer though and are in the Ryerson area, email me! It’ll be fun!) and this might sound like just one of Jade’s SM fantasies, it has a lot of reason behind it. And here it is:

BDSM is remarkable to me in that it takes the power structures and dynamics which we all live in and brings them to the foreground. It allows us to explore what is taboo to discuss, what people who don’t have the mind for it rarely acknowledge, and to play with power in ways we we do but cannot acknowledge. BDSM is stripping off the societal mask of our day to day relationships, and it shows them for what they truly are. Sometimes exaggerated, like a Professor/ schoolgirl fantasy, but always grounded in reality. You can see this in how BDSM borrows not only from religious and military hierarchies and practices, but also every day and common experiences. There is a reason why the Master/ maid and Teacher/ student fantasies are so prevalent, it allows us to explore the depths of the dynamics we are a part of. For this reason, I have decided to show a picture of an every day lesson [perhaps a student asking for help/ extension, or even just approaching the professor's podium] with polite society’s mask repealed. A photo showing exactly a scene which happens in classrooms every day, but with the participants in fetish gear in order to bring to light and to highlight power dynamics within the scene.

I’ll tidy that up and add a reference to ‘Sadomasochism in Everyday Life: The Dynamics of Power and Powerlessness’ by Lynn S. Chancer (Thank you Katherine C. for the recommendation) if they need an academic text. But that’s the idea. An everyday scene with only the clothing changed to show power how it truly is. It’s bold, it’s an excuse to wear leather on campus, it could be a lot of fun (volunteer, I’ll do something nice for you) and is much nicer than stressing over a final.

That idea gave me something to focus on too, and with the coping mechanism, I made it through the class and didn’t even break down afterwards. I was on a mission though, I had to go to the gym. It’s remarkable, my worst days are the ones where I am most wanting of physical excersize. It’s not a chore to go there, it’s an escape. That gym is the only place outside of my apartment (which I just cleaned and now it’s all organized and clean and tidy!) where I feel 100% safe. Earlier my psych professor asked me if I felt safe in the classroom, honestly it’s a nice place but too many unknown variables. I know the regulars at the gym, and I have my routine and there’s a receptionist there to block anyone who shouldn’t be there from entering. I got there, despite being on campus for 7 hours (which usually puts me to sleep) and worked out for just over an hour. I hadn’t eaten much and was weary, so I didn’t push my hard as some times (last session I felt like I had gained super powers and just kept pushing harder and harder, it was incredible). It improved my mood, I was still tired, but certainly it helped me feel more exhausted and less stressed, and I headed home.

On my way home, I entered Eglinton station and on my way through the glass atrium and to the stairs leading to the TTC, I paused because something caught the corner of my eye. I turned my head and was face to face with a pigeon. The boldest pigeon I have ever known. It was perched on a railing and just sorta looked at me. I swear I was so close that I should probably get another tetanus booster tomorrow. (I got one last year, but who am I to risk life and death and maybe get in some small needle play) I don’t know why I mention this aside from that it just struck me how bold these things are getting. Outside (where pigeons should be) the damn things don’t move out of your way. I swear I can kick one if I really want to. Some people end up walking around them. But this one just seemed to be like “Sup.” and it was just a small moment in the day where I took pause.

I got home and later met my father for some dessert. (I actually ran out of food, so I had a liter of milk and a bag of vegetables for dinner. Truthfully if I could have fit some carbs in it wouldn’t have been too bad) I didn’t realize cocktails there were the aforementioned $11.00 but he let it slide (Thanks, Dad!). Headed home, talked to my mother and basically just rested. Now I’m writing this blog because it was the most eventful day of the past little while.

Also it’s silly but, most of my school years are pretty dull. I’m trying to get out more. Last night for the opening of a new one, I prayed to the Goddess Cybele that I might have a few adventures this time around. If today is any indication, there’s going to be a few surprises in store. (Probably a few bad ones too, in keeping with the ‘Blessing and Curse’ deliverance of Greek Gods and Goddess’ blessings. If I got Avian flu today, it’ll be confirmed) I know they’re just small things, but there were a few interesting moments and a few things that made me smile and now I get to do fetish photography instead of a final.

Alright, I should sleep. Got another day ahead of me. Hopefully the line at Chipotle has thinned, I want a damn burrito…

Ciao darlings,
- Jade

P.S. Seriously, if the photo idea appeals to you and you’re in Toronto, email me (especially if you want to play Professor/ Mistress in a photograph). I don’t usually ask for outside help but I’m excited about this one. I’ll owe you one.

Might help to go directly to the game, also this one is split into two parts. But the little video is embedded if you wish to watch it here. I’ll be adding more to my channel over time as well. Two should be going up tonight. Not all wins, trying to mix in games that generally show how I’m doing.

Basically my ZvZ has gotten steadily better, in fact I actually won a ZvZ. Several actually. It’s strange, I used to not have a hope in hell of winning a ZvZ, but I’ve taken about five out of seven of them in the past two days. I think I’ve started to handle pressure better. I just got out of a ZvZ where I had a contain against me for most of the match, and it was because of a hidden gold expansion that I was able to make a comeback. We did mirror builds too, he pulled out ahead at first but my gold expansion and superior muta micro saved the day.

However reviewing my replays for the night, I would have been in an even stronger position if I remembered to respawn my queen at the main after it went down. Ah well, that’s what replays are for. Like Day9 says, “Always review your replays, especially when you loose.” And doing so allows me to see what went wrong in the case of a loss, and what could be improved upon in the case of a win. Here’s what I’ve learned: I’m much better at keeping cool. I did loose one match because I attacked when I was completely unprepared, but in general I’m calmer under pressure. I’m not freaking out and making 200 zerglings the moment my base is threatened. However, I need to get better at populating an expansion. This is why, after watching games where my natural had 0 drones for like five minutes, I started working on 14 hatch builds. And actually, the fact that I’m early expanding allowed me to learn how to better saturate a natural. And now, in the case of the ZvZ discussed above, not only did I manage to sneak an expansion, but I also got it up and running.

I also need to work on the best unit composition to beat Stalker/ Zealot. I’m still figuring out the exact balance, but I’d say Roach/ Hydra is probably the way to go. Even if I’d like to experiment with Hydra/ Baneling.

Oh, and scouting with a drone at 13 changed my game. I haven’t lost a single Overlord to scouting lately and the drone if sent early enough can survive a very long time. It also has given me the edge over Zergs in 4-player match-ups. I’ve noticed most scout with an Overlord only, but with a drone I’ve managed to spot them faster, get down their timings and tailor my build to crush them. I think more than anything, that little tweak has elevated my game, because scouting is good and if I can keep that drone alive, I can be a good Zerg player and react like I should. (Zerg often being reactionary). I’ve also started to learn how to do a better macro game. before I wanted to do more pressure micro type games but it’s good to know when to early expand and I’ve managed to get two basses up and running increasingly quickly.

Oh I am glad for 3v3s and 4v4s for allowing me a chance to practice other races. For 1v1 and 2v2 I always play Zerg, but I’ve been randoming for the other two because they’re not real ladders.

So far it’s not been like beta, community wise. During beta it was common for me to play against a great player, laugh about it, discuss strat after one person had clearly lost. I often ended up playing several matches with people, even got on Vent with one. It was a lot of fun. So far though, release community (maybe to be expected) has reminded me of XBox live.

I actually played a 3v3 game where we had a kid who “gg”ed when he thought we were going to win. In StarCraft, it’s incredibly rude to “gg” when you think you’ve won. (An opponent will type ‘gg’ when they surrender traditionally). And he kept doing it. I should have just kept up with my macro (oddly, myself and the other silent partner were the only two doing things. It took that kid 10 minutes to make six void rays). He kept doing it, moments before his base was obliterated and we were forced into recovery/ panic mode for a bit. We eventually won (me and silent partner ended up with about 100 mutalisks between the two of us), at which point an opponent called one of us “a blood puking vagina”. So yeah, currently looking in the Reddit SC community and friends for my games.

It’s a shame too, but I guess that’s release. In Beta, the people playing at 3am were the fans. Maybe it’s because games matter now, our ladder rank isn’t going to be reset seven times in two weeks now. Still, it’s interesting and disheartening to see people ignore basic decency. I just miss almost being able to count on logging in and meeting up with a complete stranger for marathon 1v1s and 2v2s.

gg!

Oh! I forgot to mention. They took out Incineration Zone from the map rotation! As a Zerg player all I can say is, FUCK YEA!

So I’m back in therapy, and it went alright. Emotionally draining, but it went alright. Just so long on, and it’s still with me. I suppose I just felt compelled to write that. It’s a quiet night, full moon, and I need a distraction. So I might write a little, might write a lot. I can’t sleep before 4 regardless of what I do, so might as well. Have some time. Actually, I am proud of something. Despite having therapy and it causing me to nap when I got home, I did wake up and go to the gym. Even though I wasn’t feeling it, and that improved my mood once I finished. It’s become habit forming. I love the way it makes my body look, I love how I feel and I like going. I’m glad that even when the weather is crap (it’s not in the neighborhood) and I’m worn out that I’ll still go. And even when I promise myself “just for fun, don’t push”, I end up pushing myself anyways. Why? Because going easy is boring and suffering is awesome. Right around rep 17 of 20 (combined with several sets) I have that shaking, wincing feeling but a smile stretches across my face. It’s really quite interesting, actually. I’ve been more willing to challenge myself lately, either by doing more difficult exercises or increasing weight.

Finished another chapter of The Lady General for the first time in a month. It was remarkably difficult. I ended up tossing about 4 pages out, then re-writing them, then tossing them back out. Still I think it needs to be pruned a bit, but I can handle that. I had two separate ways to go about something and could not decide which was the better one. Either way, this was the last chapter to be re-written and it turned from comical to dark in the process, although I like to think I kept a few of my favourite jokes. It did need a bit of levity sprinkled in, especially given that the last few chapters have been nothing but various forms of bloody violence. I’m opening the next chapter with a card game. Problem is, they wouldn’t have a conventional deck and I’d like to develop a skeleton set of rules for a real game. It’s also a chance to play with character dialogue, and I love that. Xavier and Tat fight constantly and I love writing their dialogue together more than any other pairing. Well, Reyna’s up there too, but for less cute reasons and more ‘I’ll break your mind and you’ll love it!’ with a heavy dose of insanity. Also a bizarre connection to Tat that I quite like.

My friend has given me the links to some interesting articles on a blog, both revolving around kink. If you’re looking for well written essays, there’s one on ‘10 Principles for Healthy 24/7 D/s and M/s‘ and “It’s not about sex” and other lies. Worthwhile reads, and the latter might be more general interest than the first which is obviously geared towards a specific audience. I think it’s a good sign, I’ve gone from never wanting anything to do with BDSM again, to playing a tiny bit, adding to my gear collection and now I’m able to read a little bit about it again. Probably a sign of healing. There was a time back in April when the thought made me physically ill, and I swore off anything to do with BDSM. Truthfully, I’m glad I’m healing. I have a ways to go, but I have good people around me and the time to reconnect, and in a better way than before. It does make me happy. I’m just nervous. My ability to trust is shot, but that might be a good thing. And I’m still very easily triggered, as I’ve been learning. I feel like where I am is good, but that it’ll take some time to push forward. Wish I had someone here who could help. As much as my friend has been so kind to do, it’s long distance and that’s never easy.

Last night I had a wonderful (belated)  birthday dinner with my family. It was in the distillery district, and at my favourite restaurant in the city. Also favourite place in the city. I love the old Victorian cobblestone streets and buildings. Afterwards my mother and I checked out a new condo which they built, which matches the decor at street level beautifully and actually has a back door that leads right onto the secluded car-free streets. Mostly we talked about how I would have to get a place there when I was ready. Talking about how it would be the perfect place for my private practice, a great community, how I could wear Victorian outfits around the district and people would accept me as an artist/ performance. (There’s a ton of artists there, it’s really an amazing place. Old Victorian distillery buildings packed with artist studios) It’s funny, the conversation then turned to a family when there was a day care right next door. How it would be the perfect place to raise a daughter. Have a condo, be a therapist and write from home (or the cafes along the cobblestone streets, certainly I’d get coffee there). How the community would be close, and there would be a ton of artists (most likely safe place for a daughter with a trans mother or maybe two).  How I could let Rose (I have a name) run around in a safe, car-free environment. How the cafe would probably know her usual order. How I’d have a nest (the condo) and a nice community place to spend most of my time. Not to say I’d never venture out, but I tend to like having a territory. (Like now, my life exists at my apartment, at the gym and then the line between the two) Later when I got home, wondered what my wife would be like. What kind of relationship it would be, as a part of me yearns for a D/s style relationship. It’s funny, I mentioned this before, but I’ve started to think a lot about the future. I wonder if it can come true. Probably, but not in the exact form I expect it. That’s usually how it is. But it is something that I wish for, and I realize this is repeating an earlier post. But it’s still a strange thing, to actually look for the future.

Lastly I’m almost through season 2 of Xena: Warrior Princess and I am so jealous that my mother got to dress up in an awesome Xena costume. I want one…

My previous instructor isn’t able to do our private sessions for the time, so it was motivation to find a regular club to go to. I found one close to home. Clean, well equipped, people there are nice. And had my first private session today. They kept asking me if I wanted to do group sessions, but I don’t think I’m ready for that level of interaction with strangers. I told them this, just hope they listen, they seemed big on the groups. The private session worked well though. It was in a packed club with tones of different groups going at once. That took some adjusting to, until now my training has been in the basement of a massage parlour with just one other person. It was quite an adjustment to walk through fields of people hitting pads and training. Interesting though, I wish I wasn’t so nervous at first, I would have watched what was going on around me more. But it was a new place, in a crowd, working with an instructor I had only known for a minute and it was so hot out I was already dripping sweat. I was just focused on the task at hand.

We got going pretty quickly, didn’t take much time to change. The change room was pretty nice, small but clean and comfortable. I stepped out with a black tank top over my sports bra, deciding to be more modest at least until I get a feel for things. I think on the form I signed earlier that I put “Weight training, BDSM experience” under “Hobbies, interests, skills…” and am not sure if I should have been that open even. But they seemed fine with it. But it’s the truth, and I don’t lie.

Anyways, point is that we got started pretty quickly. I told her I had some experience, but it has been a little over a month since I last actively trained (some shadowboxing, but weight training/ cardio was really my focus) and we got started. I learned that I’m great at skipping rope, as long as I don’t think about it. It’s odd, but the first few minutes of skipping rope (alternating feet, raising my knees or bending at them) went great so long as I didn’t think about where my feet where. Regardless, I hadn’t skipped rope in about ten years and it was fun. It is amazing how the sweat starts going immediately. Push ups followed, and my training paid off here. Actually it was remarkable how much stamina and strength I’ve gained lately. Sit ups, squats, and this sorta jumping push up. Where I’d do jumping jacks, then fall to the ground, do a push up and leap back onto my feet. That one took some getting used to, but I think I started to get the hang of it.

I was rusty on my technique, and that’s what we practiced. For an hour, every part of my punches and kicks was broken down and critiqued. I swear if I hear “turn your hip in” one more time tonight I’m going to deliver the perpetrator a very well practiced roundhouse (with a lot of power coming in from my hip as I pivot too). I know it will take a lot of time, and suddenly Loup Garrou training every day, all day for two years to enter the ring seems amazingly realistic (‘Santa Olivia’ by Jacqueline Carey. Quick read, beautiful protagonist, solidified her as my favourite author. Also it’s good to have rolemodels, even Tat. I write her not as myself, but often I find myself writing her with qualities I wish to emulate. Being an ass kicking tranny heroine/ guardian and all). Basically, right now, I have to be conscious of so many aspects of a punch or kick. Back straight, power from the hips (not the arms), pivot just enough on the right foot, keep tall, hands up and return to protect myself, hips square, look at my target (while turning my body), rotate wrist, keep wrist rigid (you’ll learn this one quickly, failure to keep a stiff wrist will mean some very bad pain. And then you have to keep striking on it, I wasn’t about to give up). If I focused on one, I often neglected another and it was incredibly frustrating/ challenging to figure out. However, I’m still beginning and I’ll be shadowboxing at home more now since I have a regular training schedule up.

My trainer, a woman was very nice. Patient, but I think you would need to be. Good sense of humour, I felt comfortable around her. When she was explaining the importance of striking with power from my hip, she tried to give an analogy. She tried “like swinging a baseball bat” at first, then thought for a moment and told me, “Like you’re swinging a whip.” That cleared it up. I don’t know if it was intentionally or not, but we had a good laugh about it once the connection from my brief time with a whip connected to striking an opponent. I think towards the end, I got the hang of it. I believe that all my strength training, psychologically while I’ve trained my core muscles a lot (and my balance and strength was greatly improved); I might have focused too much on power from my arms. It’s just a habit I’ll need to break, and there was a series where I hit nearly every mark. She also looked down and told me to strike from my shin and not the “small, breakable bones in your feet” when my feet was visibly red from striking the pad. I fixed that though, mostly it was just positioning. It’ll take so much more practice to do, and it’s just one of many kicks. But the hip thing, I started being conscious when I was striking from it and tried to feel the same thing every time. It gave me some reference for when I did or didn’t hit my mark.

This long session, where sweat pooled at my feet (and trying to wipe it off, just had me wiping my face with a sweaty arm), felt incredible. My stamina has improved, it really showed how much my strict gym regiment has helped me. I would have been aching and out of breath, and I was months ago when I started. Now, I could have just kept going. She was surprised when I powered through another round of push-ups, sit-ups and squats. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, I had just gotten through an hour of having every part of me critiqued and I have a very long way to go; but it felt good. We do these things, not because they are easy but because they are hard. (I always liked that JFK quote)

Admittedly once we finished, the only thing I could think about was how badly I needed a shower. Home was close by, so I just walked back and rushed into a nice hot one. Now I smell of strawberries, and it’s all good. Have another session next week, looking forward to it.

Now sitting here, thinking it over. I think I am a bit overwhelmed. I wish to compete, and it’s a long way to do so. And I worry that I don’t have the coordination to pull off these moves flawlessly, while ensuring someone doesn’t land a blow on me. I am excited, and did wish I had some time in their boxing ring. “A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.” but dear Goddess is that a long road. That said, doing this makes me feel good. Going to the gym, becoming stronger, becoming more adept physically, makes me feel good. So I want to continue with this, who knows where it’ll go. I had a friend say I could use prize money (should I ever get to that level… well someday I will. I’ve set a goal) to build a temple. Who knows, certainly a nice thought. The cute Tranny boxer fighting to breathe new life into her faith. Oh, on the subject of faith, my instructor was a cute Asian woman whose outfit and hand to hand skills reminded me of Fayth from ‘Mirror’s Edge’. She certainly knew her stuff, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she could end me in two rounds (my pain tolerance could carry me for one at least).

Alright, so I had a good time. Came home, drank a ton of water. Wolfed down dinner too. I could not get enough, and am still starving so I’m going to go make something to eat. It is strange. When leaving the gym or a kickboxing session, I want three things. Sex, beer and food. I don’t know why, aside from maybe the fact that I have so little testosterone in my body (historically, transsexuals were purposefully kept at the minimum testosterone levels, and I wonder if I should take some T supplements now that I don’t have testicles. Maybe my level dropped too low…) and working out increases the amount of testosterone in my body. Perhaps it’s just my body reacting to a sudden surge of sex hormone.

Alright, completely worn out now. Had a nice melontini at dinner and it was nice to see Dad. Going to go relax, and just let my body recover from two days of training. (My back in particular, I could really use a massage…)

Ciao for now,
- Jade

Included in the photo:

- 2 Riding Crops
- Nylon Cane
- 18″ paddle w/ holes
- 2 Wrist cuffs
- 2 Nipple clamps
- Bondage rope
- 2 Practical use collars
- Fashion choker
- Leather leash
- Tickler in the form of a red rose
- 4 quick release clasps

But the future, what I started writing this for. I like that I can picture it. Since my mother has come back for a month, we’ve gotten talking. For some reason when talking about a new condo at the distillery district and how it would be a good place to raise kids. Got me thinking about ten years down the line, maybe a bit sooner. I picture, either a nice condo in Toronto (if it were at the distillery district kids could run through the cobblestone streets and it’s a private, safe area), or a home in maybe Stratford, Ontario. Married, to a wife and Mistress. Adopted daughter, Rose (already have a name, love it. Timeless but holds up in modern times). Basically working from home with my private therapy practice, writing and self-publishing novels on the side (maybe with many a story being told about Tatjyana and the other people of Kolybel). Being able to be home when Rose comes home from school and when my wife returns from work. Able to care for the nest we have, honestly I could see myself happy in the house-wife role. Even if I was still working. But I like the idea of being there for those around me and tending to things. I like that image. Think about it sometimes. Wonder if it’ll happen, maybe or maybe not. Truthfully I think I’ll feel less overwhelmed when I have my masters of Social Work. Sometimes I just wonder what might happen, how I’ll think back at this time.

I think I’ve been feeling a bit isolated. Haven’t been going out as much as I should. I have a strict gym schedule, but most people keep to themselves so mostly other than that it’s just family. Not that there’s anything wrong with that- well, maybe. I think things will pick up in September, but I’m wondering if I’ve fallen back a bit on the “Get out, be in crowds, and interact with people” side of the healing process.

On an entirely different subject, my order came in. I figured it was time to start stocking up on my own BDSM gear, so I ordered a few necessities. I had wanted to buy a few things earlier but wasn’t given the option. Damn, since I wasn’t allowed to buy a phenomenal riding crop/ paddle hybrid which I have very very fond memories of being tortured with. I did pick up a beautiful 18″ paddle with holes, a long cane, nipple clamps, a fashion collar, and a practical violet leather collar, leash, a second riding crop (I like leashes and riding crops, I suspect I’ll have a collection of each by the time the future above rolls around). Also some clips, bondage rope, and a really cute feather tickler in the form of a red rose. It was so adorable I couldn’t resist and it’ll go well if I ever do a Phedre cosplay. So I’m quite happy. The paddle hits like a bitch, and that’s excellent. I’m admiring its handiwork from a test I did on myself earlier, deep deep red marks. Love those. I even had a little webcam demonstration at my long-distance-Domme’s request. I think just easing back into things, and the fact that I own some of my own stuff feels good right now.

In terms of my Long-distance-Domme, had a bit of a scare today. I told her I would just be out for a few hours, and ended up being out until into the night. It’s funny, I tried a lot to let her know where I was (texting apparently is very unreliable), and when I came home the first thing I did was get in contact with her. I like her, she’s been good to me. Many people have. I just, like how this woman gets into my head. I knew I found someone interesting long before she told me she in a small way identified with Melissande Sharazzai… (And that stirred a part of me). But I realize that the connection is there, and I like it. But it was sweet, that she worried about me. I’ve already put a system so I can tell her if I’m running late because of the scare tonight. Not sure what to say. Maybe I’m saying that she’s helped me a great deal and I hope I can help her out as much too. And that we seem to have a bond. Honestly when I’ve been having difficulty lately, the thought of being able to curl up by her bed is attractive. I like my nest here, maybe I’m just starting to reach out for human contact again. I think that’s a good sign. But certainly, I’ve become quite fond of her. It’s amazing the bond that can develop over such a long distance, that my being late to come home can have such an effect. I’m sure it’s being studied, but I like it. I meet very interesting people.

Also I know she reads this, so hello Ma’am.

Quiet night. Still haven’t gotten back to writing, but I can feel it’s close. Things are starting to form in my mind again and I’d like to sprint forward. I have quite a bit of the novel planned, it’s just this immediate part which is the problem. Although I’m certain that when this depression and PTSD symptoms came back stronger, that writing always takes a hit. So I’ll go back to therapy, keep exploring things with my friend and keep talking and I’m really greatful for everyone for their patience and support in these matters… I think it’ll return when my mind is clear again. Not sure I’ll hit the deadline a year from now, but I don’t want to rush. I’m certainly pressing forward in one way or another. Maybe my second tattoo will be based upon its completion, fitting that my ink reflects meaningful literature in my life. I’ve had my marque for a year now, still love it every day. Taking good care of it too, it’s still deep and black.

I think, in these times, just to handle what I need. Rest up for school starting again. Remember that the Goddess loves me, She’s certainly shown it in the people around me and my fortunes during this period. I’m emotional, I’m up and down, wavering, but even when I feel disconnected from Cybele I know She is always with me. Anyways, I’ll get through this. It’s just hard. It’s like something’s gripped me and won’t let go. It might loosen up sometimes, but it’s still there. And I’m just feeling it squeeze my arms right now, so that it’s just hard to ignore. I hope therapy works, I really do. I probably shouldn’t have left it, but live and learn.

Ciao for now,
- Jade

So, I’m doing alright. I can certainly pull off quite a few more push-ups than I used to. I’ve gone from 2 to 15 in one go, and from 0 to 2 unassisted chin-ups. And Julian’s been helping me in some fun domination games. It’s a bit frustrating, back to distance. But it’s an itch I need to scratch and I adore her. She has the workings of a wonderful Domme, and I envy her trip to a leather market today. I miss those. Ah well. Been thinking of picking up some gear sometime soon, I’m sitting on a bit of cash and am just deciding what to do with it. It’s either going out and stocking up on BDSM gear, or a nVidia 470GTX graphics card, I can’t decide… Both of them would be wonderful in their own way.

On the subject of what Julian and I have been doing, I recently did a r/gonewild post on Reddit. NSFW and all that, here’s a link to the gallery. When I’m feeling better I might take requests. I intended to sooner, but became unwell recently. Ah well, I’m actually doing alright now. Better, now that I remembered there’s cake in the fridge. I’ll have to get some after this.

As for The Lady General, I took a brief vacation after writing one of the pivotal chapters. It was emotional, and I don’t want to give anything away. But I never thought I would feel the loss of a character, like I did then. I’m alright now. I suppose when you live in the world, it tends to affect you. The novel and its characters, and the world, occupy a lot of my thoughts and while it’s wonderful, tragedy is really tragedy. I hope it translates, but I believe it will. It was meant to be sad. Also as it’s a major point in the novel, I’m now coming up with storylines for the following chapters. I have a few great ideas, I just need to thread them all together. But I’ll begin writing that shortly. I want to portray Tatjyana as a woman starting to change, and now walking the path which will take her to become the heroine the world needs. The last chapter really was the unofficial start of the woman the world will come to know, instead of the courtesan who never wanted to get involved.

So, cake time. Enjoy the SC, enjoy the armature porn, and if I end up acquiring some good gear (anyone know a good fetish shop that delivers in Canada?) I’ll have a few more posts and pictures. Taking it easy, healing, getting stronger, writing. Same old, same old. But truthfully it’s nice, it’s peaceful and I’m doing alright.

Ciao for now,

- Jade

Dinner!

Honestly, going through a quiet period as I might have said. But I am learning a new skill. Tonight thanks to Julian’s help I made crepes with strawberry jam filling! The crapes were made from eggs, flour, cream. Nothing complicated, but it took a while to get the batter the right consistency for frying. It took a few failed crepes, but about half way through the batter I managed to thin it to the right consistency and it all came together quite nicely. So I took another photo, still kinda proud that I’m learning to cook. It’s a really nice thing my friend is helping me with and I can do it from the comfort of my apartment. They tasted pretty good too. Think I could still have thinned them out a bit more, but overall not bad considering I hadn’t done anything like it before.

Not sure what to do today, but it’s still young. Might go to the gym, might not. If I don’t I’ll go Sunday. It’s funny, I thin these days are doing me a lot of good. Still healing, but it’s keeping me in a good mood. I’ve started doing all my cooking from home, going to the gym regularly, enough time to relax. It’s nice, helps. I am in the best shape of my life, and that’s been a great feeling.

Right now I’m writing, the Krone City portion of the novel is reaching its peak and I’m on the chapter which marks a major turning point for the protagonist. It is difficult though. A friend of hers dies, and originally when I wrote the part she did not get a lot of time and was only mentioned. When I started this draft, I gave her a larger part in order to help the story develop and because she was interesting. Now I feel bad about what’s coming. Out of the entire cast she’s the least deserving of such a stupid death, but like they say, if it’s best for the story it must be done. I just feel a bit sad to loose her. Also contemplating the story farther into the future, more good people will die. Although I believe that when Tatjyana (our heroine of this story) triumphs, it’s all the sweeter given the sadism and challenges she’s bested. It’s just sad. I’ve mostly been in Tat’s headspace, but trying on other character masks, you get to know them. And she really doesn’t deserve it, and really that’s part of why it has to be her. Just interesting the things you can come across.

Also started watching through StarTrek: TNG, haven’t seen this show in years. It’s pretty good, still holds up nicely. Data’s so cute.

Spaghetti with carbonara sauce. Thanks to Julian for the inspiration and recipe. First time actually combining ingredients and cooking parts of a whole separately and then combining. Basically it was spaghetti with a sauce of eggs, cream, Parmesan cheese, a little black pepper and bacon. Tasted pretty good and wasn’t too hard. Anyways, that’s it for now just proud of doing so.

Germany v Uruguay

Canadians can watch it here. This was a surprise, I wasn’t expecting the game to be so close. What started off looking like an easy German win turned into a back and forth ending in 2-3, with a final kick in the final seconds which nearly turned it over to extra minutes. Despite being the 3rd place match (and thus even victory is defeat), both teams really ended their tournaments spectacularly. Aside from Spain, I’m not sure I’d seen Germany trail for a time and it was a brilliant comeback from 2-1. Lots of excitement, some great shots and it was great to see my favourite team play one more match. So yes, I’m biased in choosing these matches, but it was a great game.

Runner-up Best Game:
North Korea v Brazil, Group Stage

N. Korea v Brazil

Canadians can watch it here. This will be the only runner-up entry, but I wanted to include it because of the emotional impact. Despite N. Korea never finding success in any of its other games, the players really gave it their all here. I was making relentless fun of them before they played this game, and after watching N. Korea v Brazil I found myself cheering for them in their other games. Alright, there’s probably a horrible fate that awaited their return, but I guess finding the good in how they showed the world that they can throw down with the best of them. The fact that they managed to take a goal off Brazil and keep it close should be a victory for N. Korea’s team.

Hottest Player:
Miroslav Klose (GER)

Miroslav Klose

Look at him! I don’t have much to say other than I’d go straight for this man so fucking fast. Great hair, nice eyes, love the stubble, cute ears, and you know he has stamina. He’s also German, which is a plus. He’s like cute and hot at the same time, it’s glorious. He’s 6 feet tall, so meets that requirement. Also a kick ass high scoring player, so there’s that. Over all hottest player for me, the rest just didn’t come close.

Also in general, the German team being generally a bunch of young guys in their 20′s were pretty hot. Even Ozil who was cute in his own way. Schweinsteiger can’t look any more German and is pretty  much straight up hot. Klose just has a lot more personality.

Best Injury:
De Jong’s F+MK against Alonso

F+MK

Square in the chest, with cleats. Making the masochist turned on by knives and needle play cringe. This really should have been a red card. Even unintentional, someone just got kicked in the chest with a cleat. Fortunately Spain went on to win it, but still, damn… At least Alonso seems alright and he’ll have an awesome bruise to show for it.

Best Goal:
Van Bronckhorst vs Uruguay

I’m letting Reddit decide this one as there usually are so many goals, I can’t decide. So here’s a YouTube of a goodie! Just a beautiful kick all around, and a beautiful distance. This is the one which moved the Netherlands into the finals, sadly to just be beaten.

Best Non-Goal:
The Reverse-Wembley (GER v ENG)

Suck it, England

What looks like an awful call is really karma balancing itself in disguise. The Reverse-Wembley was Germany’s payback to England after the 1966 World Cup finals where England hit the crossbar and did not score, but was awarded the point anyways. Germany went on to trounce England 4-1 in the 2010 version. Honestly, they should award England the goal, so technically Germany went on to trounce England 4-2.

Best Non-Win:
USA Defeats England 1-1

Suck it, England

From the start, English goalkeeper fucks up and leads the USA to tie England 1-1. However given the skill and prestige the England team was thought to have, and given how badly the USA was expected to do, it felt like a victory. Even if England fucked it up for themselves. Probably the first event to start so many jokes, you could just feel an entire nation sigh and facepalm.

Best Mascot:
Paul the Psychic/Magic Octopus

Paul the Magic Octopus

I’ve never seen a nation turn against a single animal so quickly as when Germany lost to Spain. Paul managed a 100% success rate predicting/ magically causing world cup victories involving Germany. Paul even managed to predict Germany’s strange 0-1 loss to Serbia of all things. Recently Paul predicted the outcome of the Spain v Netherlands game correctly, either proving psychic powers or a hidden affinity for Spain. Which is a good thing given how Paul has been offered asylum there after sending his team to loose against Spain. The Spanish government even offered to send a team to protect Paul from angry Germans who feel like their loss was all due to an octopus.

Now that all of this is over with I’m looking forward to 2014 where the young German team will have matured, and they’ll be playing on pure, untouched-by-vuvuzela Brazilian soil.